Only a few hours removed from Kevin Stallings’ release, the University of Pittsburgh is working on finding a new head coach for their men’s basketball team through… the internet?

That’s right. If you have integrity, a vision and 5 or 6 years of previous experience, you may be considered for the Pitt job opening. Throughout your tenure at Pitt, you can expect to get walloped by the Duke Blue Devils, North Carolina Tar Heels and Notre Dame Fighting Irish, along with the rest of the ACC.

As the best basketball coach to write for Student Union Sports, I thought I’d throw my hat in the ring. I have coached a middle school basketball team to victory over the faculty, and most recently, I managed the clipboard for an intramural team at the KU rec center. I am a lifetime 2-0 coach, which is two more wins than Stallings had in the ACC this past season.

While I haven’t graduated college yet, I will accept a low grade of pay in exchange for an honorary degree. And as a coach, not a player in the NCAA, I can receive these benefits without penalty to the athletic department.

Am I the best fit for the job? Probably not, but who knows at this stage in the coaching search. Could I even tell you Pitt’s mascot? Not a chance. But will I pass a background check by the University? Yes… well, I hope. I can’t be certain.

I was also a finalist for the University of Tennessee head football coaching job earlier later in 2017, but ultimately was forced to drop out of the running because my mom told me so…

I’ve never been arrested and the FBI doesn’t have a wiretap of me offering $100,000 to a star player. That’s mostly because I don’t have $100,000, but that’s beside the point.

Also, because the application lists this as a requirement, I will undoubtedly give 100% effort because apparently Kevin Stallings wasn’t in the first place.

*if you don’t work for Pitt, stop reading*

Okay, future employer, I just have three questions…

Is my access to public transportation throughout the county a 24 hour thing?

Can I hire my friends?

Where do I sign?

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