“We Can’t Believe It Either”
I was only 9 when the song “I Can’t Believe It” by T-Pain came out. My old iPod Nano would play the song and I’d be bobbing my head with the beat while I do whatever pre-pubescent Andy did. Then, the lyrics that changed the world would be spoken by our modern day autotuned Shakespeare:
Girl ain’t nothing to the Pain
Ain’t tricking if you got it what you asking for
Put you in the mansion
Somewhere in Wisconsin
Well… 10 years later, T-Pain has had enough of all of our jokes and memes about this, so called “Wiscansin”. Ladies and Gents, I present Wiscansin University
So, with Dean T-Pain announcing the opening of Wiscansin, I have decided to throw my name into the running for Athletic Director. As soon-to-be-AD, I have come up with some bold predictions for our inaugural season:
1. We Join SPC (Spiting Bars Conference)
Dean T made a very generous offer to join either the SEC (Sizzurp Excitement Conference) or the SPC, and it was decided that the SPC would be the best choice. With the tough competition of Compton University, run by Dean Kendrick L., University of Dreamville, run by Dr. Cole, and Chicago State University, overseen by Dean Chance, competition will be tough. With the new addition of Detroit College, run by M.C Marshall Mathers it will be interesting to see, but the SPC will be a Power 5 conference in 5-10 years.
2. Classes will be tough and firm for Student Athletes
UNC, take notes…jk your Student Athletes don’t do that. You may offer your fake classes and give tutors out like candy, but we here at Wiscansin have a very tough and firm degree program, and offer classes such as:
The History of Autotune
In this course, we will explain the basics of getting the best sounding results from any Auto-Tune program. We’ll also dive into the many techniques used in pop music today. Some of these include understanding pitch correction and achieving natural results with tuned vocals.
The Goal Line Introduction
This course’s main focus is effectively coaching the individual to the finish line in a relationship. No more making it to the goal line and not scoring. This course’s objective by the conclusion of the semester is to increase your scoring accuracy by 20%.
The History of GIFs at 3AM
We’ve all been there, wide awake in our bed at 3 a.m, cycling through Snapchat. Viewing countless stories we’ve already seen for the 3rd time. You see that one person from your last group assignment post an “anyone up?” snap. Now’s your chance, you want to reach out but don’t want to risk looking desperate for attention. You contemplate sending that GIF you’ve been saving for just this occasion. You send it, hold light conversation, and get that late night response to “come over.” Introducing The History of GIFs at 3 AM, this course takes an extensive exploration into the passive text messaging tool that has become a part of our modern language.
3. We Bring In The First 6-Star Recruit to WU
Recruiting can be a pain, unless your Wiscansin. We offer great things such as:
- A football team run Coach Weezy
- Our 69,000 seat basketball arena
- Head Basketball coach Lil Dicky who will run the Triangle Offense and a 2-3 Zone
- A new 250,000 football stadium named “Biggie and 2Pac Memorial Stadium”
- Alumni such as Big Sean, Sean Paul, and Pitbull visiting daily to deliver all the bag drops
4.ALL THE BAG DROPS
Dean T will personally deliver money to you by bag, direct deposit, or his personal favorite… Makin It RAINNNN:
5. Wiscansin will become the GOAT
When you sign your LOI to attend Wiscansin, expectations will be high right off the bat. If you don’t have a soundcloud, you’re already 3 steps behind. If you can not spit bars on your first day of practice, you are bumped down to the bottom of the depth chart. This isn’t Kentucky where you play for one season then become a bust in the NBA. You sign your record deal to stay all 4-5 years and earn your degree while performing to the highest and most dope level athletically. I WILL GUARANTEE you get either a CFB ring or a Final Four appearance in your years at Wiscansin.
So, recruits, students, and alumni…Wiscansin will become the next powerhouse in the NCAA. Mark Emmert will not hold us down and we will do as we please. Dean T does not take kindly to losing and he will face all of the opposing teams with top hat in hand and pimp cane swinging.