All-Americans have been chosen. Positional awards are all off the table. The Heisman went to Baker Mayfield. And now, a national champion has been crowned. There is still one set of awards that need to be given out, and they may be the most prestigious of all. The Student Union College Football Awards, chosen and given out by an elite panel of experts (me), are dropping and bringing joy to players and coaches across the nation.
Best member of ESPN Coaches Film Room broadcast: David Cutcliffe
During the broadcasting of the National Championship game, ESPN does this really cool thing where they do like eight different broadcasts. This is fantastic for people like me, who feels obligated to silently protest against Kirk Herbstreit, a man that inexplicably blocked the Student Union Twitter account.
One of the broadcasts is Coaches Film Room, and it is an absolute joy. I have recently started a crusade that the football broadcast angle needs to change so more of the field can be seen. In Coaches Film Room, this happens, so it makes me happy automatically. Also, they get some fantastic coaches and personalities to analyze the game. One, David Cutcliffe, head coach of Duke Blue Devils, reigns supreme amongst the rest. He is a perfect combination of grandfatherly presence and brilliant offensive mind. The respect he garners from the other coaches is obvious and leads to him being the main analyst. This is a treat for viewing considering the way he breaks down plays and offensive schemes.
Honorable Mention: Mike Gundy (The Hair, though)
The Foursquare Social Media Guru Award: Lane Kiffin
I have no idea why we got Foursquare to be the sponsor for this award. But, Student Union has covered Lane Kiffin’s ability on the Twitter sticks extensively. His trolling of Saban and Alabama combined with his endless stream of “come to #theFAU” tweets creates a new depth of character that was already one of the most entertaining in college sports. Lane Kiffin calls games like he’s playing a video game during the day and trolls college bars at night. In the middle, he finds time to be one of the best Twitter follows on the internet.
Honorable Mention: Jim Harbaugh
The Old Spice Best Look Award: Rodrigo Blankenship
Never has looking like such a fucking loser been so cool. I remember being 9 years old making fun of kids for wearing rec specs, but now #HotRod is somewhat of a hero for Georgia, banging in the longest field goals in the history of both the Rose Bowl (55 yds.) and the National Championship Game (51 yds. in overtime).
Honorable Mention: Miami’s Defense and the turnover chain.
The Peco Electric Factory Award: Saquon Barkley
Surprise! If you have read literally anything I have written all year, you have probably seen the phrase “Baker Mayfield is an electric factory” at least six times. And it’s true, he can power a god damn city. But Saquon Barkley makes me feel things I have not felt while watching someone play football. Every time he touches a football, I clench my buttcheeks and prepare for something ridiculous. And a lot of the time, he delivered. I have never seen someone make a 2 yard loss look powerful. This dude is an absolute beast. It begs the question, would you rather try to tackle an ATV or Saquon Barkley?
Honorable Mention: Baker Mayfield
The Frank Ocean Best Singing Voice Award: Tua Tagovailoa
— Michael Locksley (@CoachLocks) December 22, 2017
Honorable Mention: I feel like Bret Bielema can do opera or some shit.