Nothing says, “wow, I definitely won’t be watching that,” quite like a soccer event that doesn’t involve the USA. Of course, that’s the case with this year’s World Cup, and I think I speak for many of my fellow Americans on this matter. So that’s lead us to question: What’s an event during the summer that the USA will always be in and the American people can actually get behind and enjoy?

I think there’s enough basketball with the Olympics and other events. The last thing we need this time of year is more baseball.Hockey in the summer, yea not a bad idea and could definitely work! But, the particular sport I have in mind is, you guessed it, football.

American football I should say.

Now, obviously, this would be tough for other countries to get behind since they waste their time focusing on other sports. Also, Americans have a pretty good handle on AMERICAN football. So here we have a couple issues with my proposal.

Luckily these are both quick fixes. Since American pro football players are comically superior to anything any other country would have to offer, we simply send amateurs.

And by amateurs, I mean a Division III All-Star team!

This seems like it at least should be an appropriate level for other countries to matchup against. Also, this would be a great way for the D-3 players to really feel like they’re getting something out of playing. I have only been to ones played in upstate New York, but based on that, playing D-3 football games seem pretty fucking depressing for the most part.

Now for the second issue, how can we influence other countries to get into this idea on a massive (or at least reasonable) scale? Easy. By really raising the fucking stakes.

Let me explain, let’s say Australia, Germany, China, and Poland are all in a pool together. The winner of that pool moves on, but the three losers have to perform a task, or some shit like that, as a part of losing. Say those three countries have to discontinue selling toilet paper and/or condoms for a whole fucking month. That would raise tensions and force these countries to step up their game.

Can you imagine two weeks without toilet paper? Or condoms? One of those I perhaps could (not gonna say which).

But as Americans, you very likely wouldn’t have anything to worry about since this involves American football. Just sit back and enjoy the show!

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Inigo Montoya

“Toilet paper or condoms”, mic drop