Today, in the midst of my daunting class schedule, I received a text message while walking from my second-to-last class to my last class. March is just around the corner and it is something a lot of people forget. February’s length makes the college basketball onslaught of the next month surprise even the biggest of fans every single year, which is perfect. With March a week away, my friend finally caught onto how the calendar works and this is the text exchange that followed.

As I generally am considering I don’t even ever know what day of the week it is, I was not aware of the calendar, so this text exchange really changed my outlook on the next couple weeks. The smile on my face made me look like Gary Busey. More than anything, though, it got the wheels in my head turning. One hot take turned into two, two into three, and suddenly, my brain was buzzing with ideas that would have me banned from some nations due to their levels of heat. And this is the perfect year for that because nothing makes sense and every team sucks and college hoops is more jumbled than a wrestler’s testacles after an awkward takedown.

Michigan is your back-to-back Big Ten Champion

Michigan is most likely going to be the four seed in the Big Ten tournament, which starts next week. It is taking place in Madison Square Garden because the Big Ten was like, “omg, the Big East is really cool we should totally do what they do,” and the Big East was like, “umm ok I guess, but MSG is ours…” and then the Big Ten cucked themselves and started their conference season a week earlier.

Regardless, for fans all this means is in the midst of the minor conference tournaments is a beacon of actually good basketball thanks to this scheduling change. Big Ten teams have one game remaining in their conference schedule before the tournament begins. Michigan State is the one seed, with Purdue, Ohio State and Michigan filling out the rest of the teams with byes until the quarterfinals.

Last year was a magical one for the Wolverines, who started the week with a plane crash and ended the week with a trophy. This year’s team is not as talented as that team, but it has had more success (whether or not that is because the Big Ten is garbage does not matter). Although the semifinals and final will be a tough stretch and Michigan will not be playing in

Michael Porter Jr. will bring Missouri to the second weekend and will be the number one pick

Michael Porter Jr. is available for basketballing activities. This is for sure a fact, but it is still unclear whether he will actually play or not.

*insert fart noise here*

Michael Porter Jr. will be playing and that means Missouri will have three players over 6’10” that will be on the court simultaneously often. And one of those players will be Michael Porter Jr., number two recruit and transcendent basketball talent. The kid can do anything. Exhibit A:

With this new addition, the Missouri Tigers will be the ONLY team from the SEC to make the second weekend of the tournament. They are currently a seven seed according to Lunardi and I believe the committee is going to overvalue the SEC as absurdly Lunardi is. That means all they have to do is beat a 2 seed (currently Duke according to Lunardi). Bigger than the electricity that will be Porter and Bagley on the floor at the same time, this is easy money for Missouri, who has sneakily had a very solid season.

From there, Porter will recement himself as the number one pick in the draft, beating out consensus number one DeAndre Ayton because of an early exit from Arizona and a lot of bigtime leadership and points from everywhere on the court out of Porter. The kid is the best prospect since Ben Simmons who was the best prospect since LeBron James.

The Final Four will have no more than two #1 seeds (probably only one)

The currently projected one seeds are Virginia, Villanova, Kansas and Xavier.

This will be Xavier’s first ever one seed in program history, so they don’t mean much to me in the tournament beyond the Sweet Sixteen. Also, Chris Mack insists on running a 1-3-1 defense even when teams like Georgetown hit corner threes on the opening three possessions.

I do not value teams that are based mainly on defense in the tournament. Virginia is amazing defensively and first on kenpom. They are up to 37th offensively, which is shockingly good for a Virginia team, but it does not change my opinion of them. Similarly, West Virginia will not make it past the Sweet Sixteen, Clemson is an early exit, Texas Tech doesn’t matter, much like the rest of the Big 12 other than Kansas.

One of Kansas or Villanova or maybe someone else that sneaks onto the one line (Michigan State? Purdue?) will make the Final Four, but I doubt both.

Oklahoma will (somehow) make the tournament and Trae Young will bring them to the second weekend

Oklahoma is 16-11 and 6-9 in conference. That is not good. But, because Oklahoma is in the massively overvalued Big 12 and has a certain player named Trae Young at the helm, Lunardi has them on the ten line of his most recent bracketology.

They have home games remaining against Kansas State and Iowa State, along with an away game at Baylor. If Oklahoma goes 2-1 in those games, they will be in the tournament field, even though it is not deserved at all.

And I hate to make this comparison because everyone ever has, but remember what Steph Curry did with Davidson in the tournament in his Junior season? of course you do. I’m not going to finish the comparison because I’m not an ass hole, but you can feel free to make the connection

There will be three (maybe four) mid majors in the Sweet Sixteen

This is just because every team sucks and there are a surprising amount of teams in mid major schools that are actually pretty good. Nevada is a lock. Nevada is honestly one of the most consistently good teams of this season. Gonzaga is also a lock. From there, one of either Rhode Island, New Mexico State, Loyola Chicago or Middle Tennessee will take the third spot. Realistically, I wouldn’t be surprised if 2 of those teams made it for a total of 25% in the Sweet Sixteen outside of the power 6 (Big East).