An American Psycho remake is now in the works, with Call Me By Your Name and Challengers director, Luca Guadagnino set to direct it. I wrote earlier this year about why it’s a bad idea, but Lionsgate didn’t listen to me. You can read what I wrote earlier this year, but I don’t get the angle. Will this be like Scorsese’s Cape Fear where it’s a near shot-for-shot remake, or will it forge it’s own path? Will it be modern or will it again be set in the 1980s? There’s a lot to be asked, but not much that I, or anyone else can answer.

With that being said, and while I still think it’s a bad idea, it’ll be fun to see who should play Bateman, but there are a few stipulations that need to be met if you want this remake to succeed. I don’t need Guadagnino getting cute on me now and trying to alter the Bateman persona far away from what my favorite author, Bret Easton Ellis wrote.

One, it must be a man. I’ve seen some fan castings of Chloe Sevigny or Aubrey Plaza, but this character must be a man. Two, they need to be white. Listen, this isn’t me going grand wizard, but when you read the book (like me, subtle flex) or watch the film, there’s events that occur which feel like they only fit a white guy’s narrative. The biggest example when Bateman murders the homeless black man. Stepping into Bateman’s mind, examining his psyche makes me believe Bateman didn’t just see this man as a bum, but also lesser than because of his race. I don’t believe that, but I think Bateman’s snobby ideology makes him believe that. A third prerequisite, that isn’t vital, yet should be considered is Bateman should be played by someone under 45.

One last thing. To all of the dip shit preteens on Twitter who are bitching about Guadagnino potentially wokifying the film, just remember that the book was written by a gay man, who in just about all of his other books, writes scenes where young adult men viciously fuck each other with passion, and the original film was directed by a woman. The book and film satirize the vapid personalities of finance bros who can be sent into a downward spiral if they don’t get a reservation or their business card isn’t the right shade of white. While I don’t love the Guadgnino directing the remake, it’s not because his films incorporate a gay or woke narrative. It’s purely for stylistic reasons.

When this remake was announced, we saw a true display of media illiteracy from film fans.

Finn Wittrock

Finn Wittrock hits all three pillars of the perfect Patrick Bateman casting. He’s a white man who turns 40 this month. In addition, Wittrock is, by all accounts, very handsome. Another prerequisite, which is almost more important than the age prerequisite because if you saw Paul Walter Hauser or Emory Cohen, no offense to them, they’re fantastic actors, in the Bateman role, it doesn’t feel believable that they’d carry the same aura of confidence and arrogance as someone who looks like Wittrock. My one hang up is I don’t think Wittrock’s a particularly good actor. Christian Bale, even at a young age when he played this role had the juice. Wittrock, hasn’t been a lead in a successful project, and I think that somewhat disqualifies him for the role, unfortunately.

Jacob Elordi

Last year Jacob Elordi and Luca Guadagnino were spotted having lunch with one another in Venice. That led many people, including myself, to believe a collaboration was in the works. Since then however, all we’ve gotten is a fragrance commercial with Elordi and Margot Robbie that Guadagnino directed. With the news breaking on Guadagnino remaking American Psycho, maybe that meeting wasn’t for nothing. Elordi hits all the marks. He’s a handsome white actor, and unlikeable Finn Wittrock, he’s a good actor. He killed it in Euphoria, doing a brilliant job masking the real Nate Jacobs character and flipping from rage to calm in an instant. I won’t beat the dead horse of saying I don’t like the idea of the remake, but if Elordi was cast as Bateman I’d feel better than I do currently.

Robert Pattinson

Under 40 years old, check. Handsome, check. White and male, check. Pattinson checks the initial boxes to play Bateman and of the actors on this list, he’s undoubtedly the best. What’s intriguing about the idea of Pattinson getting this role is that he’s played the rich, pompous role prior with Cronenberg’s Cosmopolis. I get it’s a different genre, but having that bit of background gives him more of a leg up. On top of all of those positives, Pattinson’s biggest green flag is his ambition to take Miyazaki’s The Boy and the Heron, is starring in Bong Joon-ho’s trippy sci-fi flick Mickey-17 and is always looking to work with other great directors like Matt Reeves, Christopher Nolan and Robert Eggers. Pattinson should be the first person that Guadagnino calls for this role.

Conner O’Malley

This is half ingest and half dead serious. While O’Malley isn’t a conventionally handsome celebrity and doesn’t have the Patrick Bateman look, he’s a chameleon and a master of his craft when it comes to blending into his character. He’s a bit comedian that devotes all of his effort into a bit where, even if the payoff may not be there, you respect the work put in. You could also argue that he’s not a pensive actor, but then you watch the horror short Corey’s that he put out this year and immediately think otherwise. The Bateman casting is so reliant on the look of being a physical Greek God with chiseled features, but if that aspect were to be forgotten about, I believe O’Malley could blend into this character. The only issue, he may never get out of it.

Armie Hammer

It’s bizarre to say, but Conner O’Malley feels more likely to play Bateman than Armie Hammer. Hammer fits the standard. He’s 38 years old and is a good looking actor, but the baggage that comes with him is immense. Whether it’s the financial baggage or the much grander sexual abuse, it feels difficult to hire him. While I think he’d play the Bateman role great and it’s crass to say, but the allegations almost add depth to Hammer playing such a scummy character, it’d be DOA for Guadagnino’s remake if he was the director who brought Hammer back, despite the fact that they’ve worked together in the past on Call Me By Your Name.

Harris Dickinson

My final potential casting of Bateman is Harris Dickinson. Boom, boom, boom, he’s hot, young, white and a good actor. We’re all good there. He’s also an actor who is on a great trajectory. In 2022 he caught his big break in Triangle of Sadness, and since then he’s picked great projects to work on like See How They Run, The Iron Claw, Blitz and Babygirl. “Oh, but he’s British!” Doesn’t matter. So was Bale who is the original Bateman.

If I had to rank who Guadagnino should call for this role, Pattinson is my clear number one pick. Right behind him though is Dickinson. He’s ten years younger than Pattinson and this early in his career might want to take the risk. You might say it’s not risky to work with a critically acclaimed director who’s adapting brilliant source material, but a remake of such a racy flick can and will be tough. If Pattinson passes, then Dickinson should be the guy. For him, it’d be another great director to say he worked with. Guadagnino would be next to Steve McQueen, Ruben Östlund and Sean Durkin in Dickinsons filmography.