Lilly Donahue | Indiana University
When I sat down to decide this week’s uniforms, I discovered that Week 12 was one of the most solid uniform weeks of the season! This was great for picking the best of the best (like FCS team JMU) but made my job of roasting ugly uniforms nearly impossible. So instead of calling out a uniform that is actually perfectly fine, I’ll be rating the best and worst trophies of CFB rivalries, since many will be on the line this weekend. The rating this week will be Thanksgiving themed, with the best being mashed potatoes and the worst being cranberry sauce. Enjoy, but don’t get lost in the sauce.
The Best of the Best
Crab Bowl, Navy v. Maryland
The two Maryland teams haven’t met since 2010, but this trophy perfectly captures one of Maryland’s most well known commodities: crab. The trophy is shiny and fancy-looking, while still capturing an essential part of Maryland’s state pride.
4/5 Mashed Potatoes
The Golden Egg, Ole Miss v. Mississippi State
This trophy could fall into the ugly category, but it is so simple and random that I can’t help but feature it in the winner’s section. The trophy was supposed to be shaped like a football, but, like the Mississippi public school system, they failed. The egg is so stupid that it’s great.
3/5 Mashed Potatoes
The Land of Lincoln Trophy, Illinois v. Northwestern
You can’t beat president themed trophies! This trophy perfectly honors Abe Lincoln, who hailed from Illinois, by featuring his famous top hat. It is super simple, but also extremely cool. Too bad the teams who play for this trophy is irrelevant!
5/5 Mashed Potatoes
Red River Rivalry, Texas v. Oklahoma
This trophy, like the Land of Lincoln Trophy, uses a simple hat to make an awesome trophy. In honor of the *likely* outgoing Charlie Strong, here is a picture of him rockin’ the golden cowboy hat. Goodbye, sweet prince.
4/5 Mashed Potatoes
The Worst of the Worst
The Bronze Stalk Trophy, Northern Illinois v. Ball State
This might be one of the most irrelevant trophies in all of college football, and it’s also one of the ugliest. The Bronze Stalk trophy is exactly what it sounds like: a bronze corn stalk. And, just like you’d expect, it is ugly as hell.
4/5 Cranberry Sauce
The Platypus Trophy, Oregon v. Oregon State
Did you ever wonder what one of the stupidest mammals was? Look no further than the topper of the trophy for the Civil War rivalry game: a platypus. It is a cross between a beaver and a duck, at least in terms of looks. The duck/beaver combo makes it a logical mascot to top the trophy, but it’s still a ridiculous animal, and the trophy itself in nasty.
4.5/5 Cranberry Sauce
$5 Bits of Broken Chair Trophy, Minnesota v. Nebraska
This trophy is pretty ridiculous, but I low-key love it. It’s pretty ugly to look at, but the story behind it is kind of awesome. It began as joke on Twitter, and Minnesota got ahold of it and actually made it! The trophy is great and hopefully will remain a part of the teams’ annual meeting.
3/5 Mashed Potatoes
The Jeweled Shillelagh, Southern Cal v. Notre Dame
This trophy is pretty ugly, but also quite iconic. Two storied programs meet to battle for this random stick covered in metal clovers and trojan helmets, because college football. A shillelagh is an Irish club, although I’m pretty sure it’ll be the Irish taking the beating this year….
4/5 Cranberry Sauce
Honorable Mention
The Old Brass Spittoon, Indiana v. Michigan State
Time for me to shamelessly include IU because I go there! The old brass spittoon is exactly what it sounds like, and when IU beat MSU for the first time in forever, IUFB fans got a kick out of the stupidity of the trophy, and, even more so, watching our school’s president, Michael McRobbie, have a celebratory spit into the slightly disgusting trophy. The IU-Purdue trophy, the Old Oaken Bucket, isn’t too shabby either!
