Welcome to 2018, college basketball fans. After a year filled with highlight reel plays, some crazy games and a massive controversy, it’s finally time to move on to a new year filled with hopefully more good and less bad.
Fortunately for me, my 2017 ended with a bang. I was lucky enough to receive an invite to the College Basketball New Year’s party which includes the best players, coaches, and personalities from around the sport. Don’t ask how this invite came about because I certainly couldn’t tell you, but I can tell you some of the highlights from the night.
The party took place at Bill Walton’s house, and I, for one, was very excited by this. I knew Mr. Walton was big on exotic furs from strange countries and I was certainly not disappointed. Upon entering his house, I saw at least 14 tiger skins and a few zebra furs as well.
“Isn’t owning all these exotic skins a little bit illegal?” I asked Bill.
“Only if you get caught,” Bill replied.
I began to walk around the house and introduce myself to some more people. I met Bill Self, who said he only knows the year he’s in based on the amount of Big 12 titles he has. Really hope for his sake that he doesn’t lose the conference. I ran into Bob Huggins, who claims to be starting a company that only sells black pullovers. I also spoke to Dan Dakich for about ten minutes but decided to walk away after he mentioned his son, Andrew Dakich, for the 17th time.
The night was still young with about two hours until the ball drop when things started to get interesting. Bill Walton insisted that Trae Young and Marvin Bagley play Twister and Grayson Allen spent the entire time trying to ice people (he only succeeded about four times). I was thinking about calling it a night early when all of a sudden, the entire Ball family was carried in on the back of a single elephant. I don’t know where LaVar got the money for that, but it was quite the entrance, nonetheless. I spoke with both LiAngelo and Lonzo for about a half hour but couldn’t find LaMelo. I later found out he was busy sneaking into the bathroom every ten minutes to take some rips of his gold-plated Juul.
It was now eleven and the party had not slowed down at all. It was almost pandemonium at that point. Jim Boeheim caused quite the scene when he began to roll on the floor shirtless and claimed he was having an aneurysm. His wife told me it really wasn’t anything to worry about and said he gets like that when he drinks too much sparkling cider.
As we approached the twenty minute mark until 2018, I spotted Lane Kiffin in the corner hitting on Tom Crean’s daughter. I don’t know how or why Lane Kiffin was invited but someone mentioned he’s really close with Dick Vitale. Supposedly, they own some major stock in BitCoin together.
The countdown to 2018 began and everyone filed into Bill Walton’s living room to watch the ball drop on television. Everyone counted down the last ten seconds of 2017 together and when 2018 finally began, Bill Walton and Dave Pasch performed a strange jazz rendition of Auld Lang Syne together in Ghillie suits. I took that as my cue to excuse myself from the party and head home. On my way out I noticed Jay Bilas standing outside alone.
“Hey, Jay,” I said, “are you excited for 2018?”
“If I told you, I’d have to kill you,” he responded.
I decided my 2018 New Year’s resolution would be to make sure I don’t attend another college basketball party.