With the 2017 season now in the rearview, it’s that time of year again: #debateSZN. Time to dive head first into topics that will more than likely never even come close to reality, but we still spend hours on anyway. I’m still holding out hope that Alabama and UCF play one last surprise game to put UCF to bed. I didn’t realize programs could just claim themselves as champions now….
Without further ado, let’s build the ideal College coaching staff.
Note: Any coach is eligible, they do not have to be the Head Coach.
Head Coach: Jim Harbaugh
There is nobody else I would want in charge of my program. As a fan of another Big Ten team (not Michigan), I hope every year some NFL team lures him out of Ann Arbor. He lives for football and is (in my opinion) on his way to being the best head coach in College Football. His recruiting and motivating abilities will be a major key in the program. My favorite thing about this hire is the stories we’ll get out if it with the rest of the staff (Ex: Sleepovers at a high schooler’s house, appearing in music videos, etc). He truly is the gift that keeps on giving.
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Offensive Coordinator: Mike Leach
This man is too golden to leave off the staff. People forget that Mike Leach was the Offensive Coordinator/QB coach when Tim Couch, who went on to the be the number one pick, was at Kentucky. Don’t get me wrong, Leach is an offensive guru and specializes in the pass game… but a big reason I want Leach is for the soundbites. Leach has by far the best quotes in College Football.
See Here: https://247sports.com/Coach/Mike-Leach-1499/Quotes
First of all, you’re welcome… second of all, Leach is a personality I want on my sideline. Can you imagine the dialogue between him and Harbaugh. We need these guys mic’d up around the clock. Actually just make this whole program a Netflix series. Big time ratings.
Defensive Coordinator: Lovie Smith
I could have gone with a proven college defensive coach, but let me explain. I really feel like Lovie Smith has been given the short straw the last couple years. He should have never been fired from the Bears in the first place and now he’s stuck coaching in Champaign (which in my opinion is a bottom 10 coaching destination in the Power 5). Smith has collegiate experience on the defensive side of the ball coaching linebackers/DBs at Wisconsin, Arizona State, Kentucky, Tennessee and Ohio State in the 90s.
The expertise and ability is all there, but the big reason I need Lovie is to balance out Leach and Harbaugh. Need a stable football mind in this locker room.
Quarterback’s Coach: Mike Gundy
I need this man on the sideline for one reason only: the mullet. Gundy is the only reason I tuned into a single OSU game this season and nobody looks better on the sideline.
USA Today
Oh, and I guess he’s pretty good with quarterbacks too. Mason Rudolph and Brandon Weeden both blossomed under Gundy at OSU. Give Gundy Harbaugh’s recruits with Leach’s scheme and we’re in business.
Wide Receiver’s Coach: Urban Meyer
I really struggled with this one. Meyer is a proven winner with experience coaching receivers at Colorado State and Notre Dame…. but here’s the thing: he’s not as lovable as everyone else on the staff. I guess every coaching staff needs a villain, so here he is.
Offensive Line/Running Back’s Coach: Bret Bielema
This is one of the most under appreciated coaches in the field, and he just so happens to be looking for a new job. While Bielema doesn’t have a ton of experience coaching on the offensive side of the ball, he’s played/coached at Iowa, Wisconsin, and Arkansas… he knows a thing or two about solid line play. On top of that, he’s had some legendary backs develop under his coaching: Melvin Gordon, James White, John Clay and Montee Ball just to name a few.
Can you imagine Bielema having to report to Mike Leach? I love it.
Defensive Line Coach: Odell Haggins
The current interim head coach at Florida State has been the defensive line coach at FSU since 1996, coaching a ton of NFL talent including 5 first rounders and 20 draft picks overall. Not a real sexy name here, but a good coach that knows how to coach talent.
Linebacker’s Coach: Pat Fitzgerald
Another fresh young coach that will keep the energy high in this program. With years of experience coaching backers, this is a good pickup.
USA Today
Defensive Back’s Coach: Will Muschamp
Muschamp has been the head man at two universities that self proclaim themselves as “Defensive Back University” (South Carolina and Florida). Needless to say, Muschamp has coached a ton of talent in the secondary and even played safety at Georgia.
Assistant to the regional manager: Lane Kiffin
Did you really think I was gonna leave this guy off the staff? Of course not. I do not care what Kiffin does, he has free reign. Maybe one day he runs the social media, maybe the next day he works with Quarterbacks, I really don’t care. As long as he’s on the sideline for games, runs his Twitter, and trolls Saban, he’s getting a paycheck.
Location, Location, Location
Now that we have the coaching staff, where should this ideal program be? It would be real easy to say somewhere like Michigan, Ohio State, Alabama, Clemson or somewhere that already has it made in terms of football brand… but I want to continue the uprising of Miami. I want it all. The turnover chain, the attitude, the “Us against the World” mentality, everything. 
Also, you can’t tell me this wouldn’t make the best Netflix series ever. The idea of a second follow up on the 30 for 30 “The U” is awesome. The personalities on this staff are crazy and would be the new “greatest show on turf.”