Maybe it’s just me, but every sporting event I go to I size up the mascot (except you Uga, I just want to pet you). For example, I’m fairly confident I could annihilate Brutus the Buckeye. Seriously, just tip the head and you’re done Brutus. While we’re talking about Brutus, what exactly is a Buckeye? I’ve wondered this since I was seven, and for a long time I just figured I would figure it out when I was in high school or college. Nope. Still don’t know. OSU please explain. Anyway, here are seven mascots I would not want to fight:
Salukis (Southern Illinois University-Carbondale)
Look at this thing. After extensive research trying to figure out exactly what the hell this was, it turns out Salukis are an ancient Egyptian dog. It’s not that I’m incredibly intimidated by Salukis, it’s more than I’m afraid of getting rabies or something. Seriously, I love dogs just as much as the next guy, but this dude looks like a scary janitor that you plan your route to avoid.
Sparky the Sun Devil (Arizona State)
Reasons I would not fight Sparky:
- He is a devil.
- He has a pitchfork.
- Look at those eyebrows and mustache.
This dude has a plethora ways he could beat me. Horns, a pitchfork, or just looking at me with that face that looks like he’s about to commit aggravated assault. Also, what kind of a name is SPARKY for a devil?? The only Sparkys I’ve ever met are very small dogs. No. Change it. Herm Edwards, this is your job.
Big Red (Western Kentucky)
Hey look, another mascot that I haven’t a clue to what it actually is. Big Red is literally just a blob…. with a massive mouth. Seriously when I first saw this I thought it was off of Sesame Street. This isn’t the most intimidating mascot on the list, but definitely one of the weirder ones. From the same state that brought you KFC….. comes Big Red, the Big Red blob.
Sidenote: Fellas, you come into your room and Big Red gives you this look…. what you doin???
The Tree (Stanford)
Who would have thought that one of the smartest and most prestigious universities in the world would have a mascot that looks like it belonged on a first grade float. Also, the tree is the one mascot on this list I really do want to fight, but I can’t take a tree. Wipe that smirk off your face tree, you’re a tree.
Billiken (Saint Louis University)
“The Billiken is a mythical good-luck figure who represents “things as they ought to be”” — SLU.edu
It might be time to get a new mascot when you have to devote an entire page on the university website explaining exactly what it is. And does this dude have a mohawk??? Really, I don’t know where to begin with this thing. I’m not sure if it wants a hug or is squaring me up. Oh, and this this should definitely NOT represent “things as they ought to be”. If any mascot gets that honor, it’s Smokey. Stay away from me Bill.
Gus the Gorilla (Pitt State)
I have two reasons for not wanting to take on Gus.
- He is a gorilla
- He is likely Harambe’s cousin. I am still sending my deepest condolences. RIP Young King.
Also my man Mike Leach called Gus College Football’s greatest mascot. I respect/fear Gus too much to throw hands. Next.
Cayenne (Louisiana-Lafayette)
Ahhhh the best mascot of them all… the Ragin’ Cajun. I have much to respect for Cayenne to even think about sizing him up. But if I were to, I doubt I could… he’s looking a little beefy in this pic. Seriously, this man has been hitting the weights. Also, he’s got those crazy eyes you just don’t wanna mess with. This is the kinda guy you watch on Cops. Not on till 4 by the way.
“A Ragin’ Cajun is not a person or an animal, but a feeling that describes our unique way of life.” — RaginCajuns.com
Honorable Mentions
Honorable mention to all the live mascots that didn’t quite make the list:
Bevo (Texas)
Ralphie (Colorado)
Mike (LSU)
