2-2 last week (including UAB). 8-5 overall.
Week 4 is in the books. Realistically, it was just a lot of underdog blue balls. LA Tech, who I have previously endorsed as the team with the biggest normal balls in the country, lost in brutal fashion to South Carolina. Kentucky very nearly established themselves as the best team in the SEC East, but Florida pulled another win out of the recesses of their anus to make people still believe they aren’t a shitty football team. Clemson looked like a special olympics team until the fourth quarter. Ultimately, everyone who should have won won and the entire football-loving world has the most aggressive sports blueballs possible.
Still, I fared pretty well. I hit on the Vandals because they have the greatest mascot name origin ever. That leaves me at 1-2 on the week and 8-5 overall. In case you are unaware of statistics, a professional gambler is generally 55%. If you have been listening to El Pollo, that puts you at 62.5%, only one of which was a favored team (UAB in week 2). If you aren’t listening to me, I don’t really give a shit because I’m basking in the glory of the money won with underdog money lines.
Ride with Duke
Alright you’re going to need to hang with me a little bit on this one. Hurricanes are bad. I think everyone can agree that hurricanes are bad. Look at the North West Hemisphere right now. It’s falling to absolute shit. There were three hurricanes that annihilated cities in North America (if you have ten bucks to spare please send it to relief efforts).
On the other hand, Duke’s mascot is the Blue Devils. Devils are also bad, but like the most bad thing ever. Depending on what you believe, they even control all the bad shit in the world, like architects of disaster. Under this logic, Devils create and control Hurricanes.
Point is, look for Duke to control Miami this weekend.
Mormons run Utah
For those of you that know anything about the Mormon faith, they run Utah (if you don’t know much about the Mormon faith, you should read everything about it). Starting in upstate New York, but then getting kicked out because it was sorta a cult, they found their way to Salt Lake City, Utah under the leadership of Brigham Young. Yeah thats right, like the Brigham Young of Brigham Young University. He ran the religious affiliation before Utah was an official state and basically made the territory established.
His namesake University is playing Utah State this week. Utah State was not founded by Brigham Young. In fact, his name doesn’t even make the intro of the school’s Wikipedia page. Sounds like he’s sort of a bitch to me. AND, their mascot is the Aggies, which I’ve said before and I will say again, is the worst mascot you can possibly have.
If you’re wondering, the featured image is Mormon underwear, otherwise known as “Temple Garment.” They have special underwear to worship in or something. I even heard a Utah law that bartenders are not allowed to pour drinks above the bar. So basically, the Mormons still run Utah. Go Cougars. (For reference: not an underdog pick).
Florida sucks
Alright I will admit that this one is sort of based in football. Actually, it’s completely based in football. Florida sucks. Vanderbilt also sucks a bit, but only according to their game last week, which was against Alabama. Vanderbilt is 10 point dogs in this game, which is a lot. That is just absurd, especially when Florida sucks. So for the sake of making a point, take Vandy.