PJ Guippone

The subtweet is an art form generally reserved for teenage girls and people that recently got broken up with. Since Twitter’s inception, it has been vaguely poking not-so-subtle jabs at people through the veil of the internet. I have been the butt of more than one subtweet in my day, and I’ll be honest, they can sting. More often, though, they simply beg for a response. There is something about being shot at without being addressed that leaves no room for a simple “ah fuck it.”

Tonight, behind the eclipse of the biggest night in college hoops, two grown men engaged in a subtweet battle for the ages. ESPN analyst Dan Dakich and Hornets forward Frank “the tank” Kaminsky had more than a few choice comments for each other regarding the topic of NCAA compensation for college athletes. Luckily, the game sucked a bit, so I didn’t have to miss out on the action. For those of you that did miss the internet spar, I will recap it here for you. Pick a side. I will reveal my winner at the end.

It all began with this tweet from Dakich. This is the traditionalist “non-millenial” way of looking at college athletes and their “compensation.” Often times, takes like this spur on a lot of backlash. Luckily, tonight Dakich made the take. For all of us residents of the twittersphere, that means basically every response will get quoted and responded to. Let the shitstorm begin!

The initial response from Kaminsky was a simply “you clearly have no idea what you are talking about.” Not necessarily a tweet to put your panties in a bunch. Maybe Dakich has a problem with the Tank, but this is how he responded to that tweet from Frank. It is oozing with sarcasm. He used more of the letter “i” in “right” than Gregggggg Marshall uses to spell his name. Definitely a bad start. Still, the real mistake came when he used “son.” I don’t know if Dakich talks to his kid’s friends like this also, but if he does, he should stop. “Son” is not a name any guy from the ages of 15 to… any age really wants to be called by anyone but their grandfather.

From here, there was a lull in the main battle. Do not take this as a sign that Frank gave up. He was simply gearing up for a frontal assault that hasn’t been seen since Caesar crossed the Rubicon. In the midst of this minor cease-fire, Dakich took a poor approach and continued to spew at various random followers of his. Also, he responded to one of Frank’s gear-up tweets two times. This is a sign of weakness in a subtweet battle. The key is to keep a level head.

To see all of the tweets from Dakich during Frank’s lull, go to his twitter page. They are all still there and open to the entire world. He uses such words as “clown,” “liar,” and “victim” to address his responders. He also used the classic tactic of retweeting everyone that agreed with him to show he’s not the old guy ranting about how everyone under 30 is ungrateful. One highlight from his outpour I found to be necessary before Frank’s response stream is below.

Ok now for the meat of the battle. This is a stream of six tweets that Frank threw Dakich’s way. He didn’t even need to tag @dandakich. This is where the subtweet played heavy. Frank knew his audience would see it.

Alright so that is six tweets. With a 140-character maximum, that would add up to 700 characters. So, in less than 700 characters, Kaminsky absolutely buried Dakich in his own arguments and ranting. After this stream, Dakich was blind-sided by subtweets. I imagined him constantly refreshing Frank’s profile as each of these newly-posted, numbered deathnotes made their way up on the Tank’s stream. Staggering and loopy, Dakich responded to each of these knock-out blows with half-hearted responses. The highlights are below. Please note the unbelievably condescending tone and contrast it with the rational tone of Frank. Also note that one of Dakich’s favorite things to talk about all the goddamn time is the wisdom that comes with age and experience, and how he does not convey that in any fashion in any of his tweets.

Note: “so cute”

(many colleges offer free tutoring. Also study groups are always helpful)

This one is just laughable. “OMG everyone doesn’t follow the rules to a T all the time???? But, they’re human beings!! Of course they follow the rules!!”

From here, the battle subsided. Frank probably took a bath in skittles to relax while Dakich probably went to some court by his house and told kids that their shooting motion would never get them a division 1 scholarship. Each had brief closing remarks for their night. Dakich tried to disregard the fight, but threw in a subtle “I just deal in real” tweet to try to get in on the subtweet strategy. Frank closed with a few remarks that yet again show the ridiculous rules of the NCAA including, “I asked to go into a restaurant and accept free food. To have a former teammate to be able to take you out and pay for it.”

Overall, I think it is safe to say that Frank is the obvious winner here. Not only is he on the side of the argument that makes the most logical sense, but he also seems to have mastered the brawl medium of Twitter. His subtweet barbs are well-timed and thoughtful. When he @ Dakich, he uses that as a time to be sarcastic. His closing remarks easily strike a chord with almost anyone with sympathy. Will this be the end of the Kaminsky-Dakich fruckus? Only time will tell, but in the primetime pay-per-view Kaminsky-Dakich 1, the decision is Kaminsky in unanimous fashion. The Tank rolls on.