Last week, I introduced the ultimate nickel-psychologist Joey Freshwater, and the positive response was overwhelming. We got a lot of questions sent in for the second edition of this advice column; unfortunately for some other Joey Freshwater in America, he also got an email. One reader sent his inquiries to an email address very similar to ours and got these responses:
Another message from this Joey Freshwater said, “Yes, I’m a real person and I’ve been trolled by Alabama fans for the last 4 years. LET IT GO.” While I don’t appreciate the aggressive nature of this Joey Freshwater, I do apologize for the mix-up. Other Joey, if you’re reading, sorry that you got a lot of random questions in your inbox this week. If you don’t mind, go ahead and forward those to our actual email: dearjoeyfreshwater@gmail.com. Now, on to this week’s advice and tips from the REAL Joey Freshwater.
What’s up Joey? Last week you made it pretty clear that you hate UCF. Honestly, what would you expect their record would have been if they played in the SEC this year?
I would put UCF as a four-loss team in the SEC West this season. I’ll give them the Auburn win, but UCF would definitely crumble under strong SEC defenses week-in and week-out. UCF’s two hardest games in last year’s regular season were South Florida and Memphis. Now, think about your four hardest games being Mississippi State, LSU, Alabama, and Auburn. Yeah, UCF is good enough to win one of those games or maybe even two, but if you really think those punks down in the everglades can perform week-to-week against this competition, you’re just being ignorant. Even if you beat Auburn and another powerhouse, there are no easy games in the SEC. Right now I’m sure someone is screaming about Alabama playing Mercer, but take a look at all the trash that wanders across UCF’s schedule. Austin Peay, FIU, Temple, Connecticut, and ECU were all on their schedule this year. UCF is a great team, but until they can get into a good conference those wins mean nothing.
Dear Mr. Freshwater, I was curious if you had a prediction for the Super Bowl this week. Also, how do you feel about Eagles fans? I personally think they are scumbags. Where would you put them in the ranks of the worst fan bases in sports?
Patriots by four. The Eagles are fake good. I don’t think the Patriots are that good this season, but it doesn’t matter if they’re good or not because Belichick doesn’t lose to mediocre teams. Eagles fans are pretty obnoxious, but they do love their team and you’ve got to give them that. The whole dog thing creeps me out but, to be honest, there is nothing that I love more than a good riot. There is something beautiful about lighting a perfectly good car on fire just to show how happy you are. Now, that being said, lighting cars on fire is not okay and Eagles fans are definitely scumbags, but they are not at the top of my worst fans list. My least favorite fans in the entire world are Ole Miss fans. Ole Miss fans are the worst because they think they are better than everyone else for no good reason. It’s cool you go to the nicest school in Mississippi, but at the end of the day your school is in Mississippi so how nice can it be? All Ole Miss fans need to get off their high horse and see reality.
Hey Joey, obviously the week’s big scandal was Michigan State and all of the allegedly unreported sexual assault that was swept under the rug. The same report also said that football coach Mark Dantonio and basketball coach Tom Izzo knew about all of the assaults and kept those quiet. So, Joey, how severe should the punishment be for Michigan State should these reports prove factual, and what should happen to Dantonio and Izzo?
This stuff is pretty messed up and can’t be taken lightly. All it takes is one person and this problem could have been corrected years ago. I’m not entirely sure of how much Izzo and Dantonio knew, but if they both knew anything at all then get those two men out of there. Something like that can’t be hidden just so you can win games. I will say this–the time for deflecting is over. I’ve seen the interviews where Izzo won’t make comments about these stories, and that just makes his guilt seem even more obvious. They’ve got to comment on these reports in some way, shape, or form, and they need to do it now.
Since you’re an American, I assume that you’ve seen both The Office and Parks & Rec. My friends and I have been debating for weeks about which of the two shows is better. I think it’s The Office, but what do you think, Joey?
The Office, no doubt. Parks & Rec is a great show, but the only reason it’s around is because we needed to replace The Office with something. People who think Parks & Rec is better than The Office are the same people who think Friends is better than Seinfeld.
Dear Joey Freshwater, I’m hosting a Super Bowl Party this Sunday, and I want to make sure that my spread has everything. My wife and I are going to be doing a lot of cooking this weekend in preparation, but we’re not totally sure where to start (usually our friends host the party, but we got roped in this year). In your opinion, what are the necessary foods that everybody needs at a Super Bowl party?
Well, the basics are chips, queso, salsa, guacamole, Busch Lite, jalapeno poppers. If you don’t know what that is, it’s venison, jalapeños and cream cheese wrapped in bacon. If you don’t have any deer, you can use raccoon meat and people will never notice the difference.
A lot of people watch the Super Bowl for two things: the commercials and the halftime show. First off, which company do you think makes the best Super Bowl commercials? I’ve always thought Doritos had some strong ones. Second, I have mixed feelings about Justin Timberlake’s halftime show this year. I don’t know why, but I’m not really excited about it. What are you expecting from JT this year, and what Super Bowl halftime show from your lifetime has been your favorite?
If you aren’t watching for the football, you got something wrong with you. But the commercials are damn funny. My favorite commercials are the Busch Lite commercials because I love Busch and Kevin Harvick, so those two things together are always awesome. My opinion on halftime shows is Bruno Mars should be permanent halftime show performer for all events. That man can put on a show, and I would rather watch him once a year instead of whatever pop artist they throw up there. Seriously, that guy has some talent. And his performance a couple of years ago was one of the best that I’ve ever seen.
Hey Joey, great column last week. You mentioned your previous marriages a few times last week. I just got divorced myself, and I’ve already got some friends telling me it’s time to jump back into the dating pool. I don’t know if I’m ready yet, but I wanted your opinion. After a divorce, when is it time for somebody to start dating again?
Depends on how closely related you and your ex-wife are.
If you want to ask Joey something in next week’s column, shoot us an email at dearjoeyfreshwater@gmail.com. You can also tweet me or DM me your questions, just send them to @gray_robertson. Anonymity is always guaranteed. Have a great weekend and enjoy the Super Bowl!