For most of the editions of The Hangover that I published during football season, a mysterious figure named Joey Freshwater, a Crimson Tide fan from Eutaw, Alabama, provided his commentary on that week’s column. You may remember him for notes such as this:
Now, after reading Joey’s thoughts on Alabama and college football, I made it my mission to hunt down this man. Sure enough, after a little field trip from Tuscaloosa to Eutaw, I found Joey Freshwater. We sat down together, enjoyed a nice cup of coffee (although I think his was mostly whiskey), and discussed Alabama winning its 17th National Championship. As I stood to leave, I got an idea. “Let’s collaborate on an advice column,” I said to him. Joey gave me a shrug, but I told him the truth–a lot of people are looking for guidance through life problems or just answers to questions, and I thought he’d be perfect for the job. It took a little convincing, and I think the spiked coffee helped, but Joey Freshwater agreed to my proposal. I put the word out on social media, and got responses from all over the South. It turns out a lot of people want to hear what Joey Freshwater has to say. So, consider this the first volume of weekly “Dear Joey Freshwater” installments. All answers are from the mind of Mr. Freshwater himself. Anonymity is guaranteed for all emailers, so if you want to ask Joey something in next week’s column, shoot us an email at dearjoeyfreshwater@gmail.com. You can also tweet me or DM me your questions, just send them to @gray_robertson.
With Alabama making the playoff instead of Ohio State, a lot of people are pushing for an expansion of the CFP. Joey, do you think we need more than four teams in the playoff?
I think four is the perfect amount of teams in the college football playoffs. Eight adds too many games, and six is just annoying. The only good thing that would come from expanding the College Football Playoffs is getting to watch teams like UCF, USC, and Wisconsin get smashed by real programs when they’re finally in a big game.
I have a little story. My sister and her new fiancé are in a fight right now. They just got engaged over New Year’s, and we’re all really excited for them. Here’s the problem—my sister’s dream is to get married in the Fall at our grandparents’ farm in Kentucky. She’s been wanting that since she was a little girl, but when she told the fiancé about her plan, he shut it down because he, like me, believes that fall weddings in the South are stupid because those weekends are reserved for football. He told her that nobody would come, but she says that a football game wouldn’t matter to our friends and family (she’s wrong about this because, as a diehard Georgia Bulldog, I’d probably go to the game). What do you think? Can you shut down this horrible notion that Fall weddings are a good idea, especially in the South? Please help us out here, Joey.
I’m not an expert on weddings, but the best wedding I’ve ever been to was on the campus of the great University of Alabama the day before A-Day. The bridesmaids wore camo, the groomsmen wore houndstooth, and it was in the shadow of Denny Chimes. All weddings until the end of time should be Bear Bryant-themed in my opinion, but I may just have too much Bama in me. To answer your question, anything that interferes with college football is a bad idea, and I’ve lost a couple of wives to that debate. Any time the Tide is playing, I don’t care what else is going on. I’m making that pilgrimage to Tuscaloosa.
Since the Academy Award nominations came out this week, I’m curious Joey…if you could award a movie from this year Best Picture, which would you pick?
The new Transformers movie was excellent. I love seeing that robot Optimus Prime killing Receptacons. It reminds me of my trucking days whenever he looks like a rig. Another great movie in theaters right now is The Lego Batman Movie. That movie is definitely deserving of some rewards. It may not be better than the original Batman movies, but what it lacks in splendor it makes up with its excellent dialogue.
I know you’re an Alabama fan, so I know you’ve been watching Alabama basketball this year. This team continues to baffle me, because the potential is clearly there. Yet, it seems like we just can’t quite take that next step forward. Coming into the year, I thought we were a slam dunk Sweet Sixteen pick. Now, I’m concerned we won’t make the tournament, despite the win over Auburn last week. What’s wrong with Bama? Is it coaching? Too much reliance on Collin Sexton? Please solve this, Joey Freshwater.
The real issue with our basketball team is we don’t play old school basketball. I’m tired of all these young folks hyping up the three-point shot like that’s the way to win games. That being said, this Tom Petty fellow sure can shoot threes. Our team is all there, and I believe in Avery Johnson’s coaching, but I think the real issue is the three. Sexton is obviously a stud, but he needs to keep his game to driving to the rim. Petty is the only player on the court who should be allowed to shoot threes, and the rest of the team needs to live and die in the paint. Only jumpshots that are allowed are open mid-ranges. We need to get back to basics and, if we can do that I see a tournament run.
Hey Joey, I recently turned 21 and, obviously, I’ve been having a lot of fun since then. It’s nice to go to a bar and not having to worry about getting your fake snapped. I’m just wondering, Joey, what you did for your 21st birthday party? I had a little event with an open bar and some friends. It was a lot of fun, but I’m sure it wasn’t as fun as yours.
For my 21st birthday, I went frogging with my Uncle Dan in Florida. The night turned out horribly and ended with my Uncle getting bit by a snake, but my real beef with Florida comes from that sad college football program at UCF. Those fans are dumber than a stump saying they’re the true national champions. Congrats, you went 13-0 in a conference no one has cared about since it was founded and named yourself as some bootleg national champion. Every time a UCF fans claims they won, I send them a picture of our natty trophy and ask what happened to theirs. I’d love to see UCF graduate from JV and play big boy SEC ball week in and week out. Add them to the SEC West next year. I’m all for that cesspool of a state learning what football is all about.
Dear Joey, I’m a Jacksonville Jaguars fan and, despite how the refs failed us against the Pats, I’m pretty pleased with how Blake Bortles played this season. That being said, I wouldn’t be totally opposed to bringing in a new quarterback to challenge Blake for the starting job. What do you think? Is Blake Bortles really the long-term guy for my team after what he did this season?
There be some better options than Bortles as a quarterback for the Jaguars, the most obvious of which is Kirk Cousins. If the Jaguars can sign Cousins, I think it would be very beneficial to their team and would really complete the offense. If they can’t acquire Cousins or any other quarterback who is an established starter, the Jags should look into improving their offensive line. Bortles has shown he is competent when the run game is working. Building around the offensive line will give Bortles both more time in the pocket and more consistency running the football. The Jags have the playmakers, now they just need to shore up a few other pieces.
I need a little advice here. I’ve got a friend who is completely hooked on this girl. They dated for a while last year and early this year, but broke up in the Fall. Despite breaking up, though, they still hung out together a ton and went to parties with each other. I honestly didn’t know they’d broken up until he told me about a month ago. Recently, she told him it’s never happening and completely cut him out of her life, and he’s devastated. Every time I suggest going to get a beer or coming over to watch TV, he shuts it down because he’s “too depressed” or too sad to go out. It’s been like this for two weeks, and I really don’t know what else I can say to him. Help me out, Joey—what advice do you have for me? What can I tell my friend to get him out of this funk?
I’ve never been too good at helping my friends when they’re sad, but something that always cheers me up is redneck kneeboarding. All you got to do is get a kneeboard and a rope and get pulled behind a four-wheeler in a field. You can go 30 miles an hour behind one of those bad boys. Only issue is, when you hit a bump that board goes flying. If you have some trouble getting started, spray the bottom of the board with some WD 40 and it’ll be greasier than a buttered up pig. Now, that may not help your friend too much, but there is still hope for your buddy. All you need to do is show your friend how many other great girls are out there in the world. If I’ve learned anything from my last 2 marriages, it’s that the best relationships aren’t forced. Tell your buddy to move on and find a girl who really appreciates him.
Again, if you want to ask Joey something in next week’s column, shoot us an email at dearjoeyfreshwater@gmail.com. You can also tweet me or DM me your questions, just send them to @gray_robertson. Anonymity is always guaranteed. Have a great weekend!