The Tennessee Volunteers coaching staff has proven they’re incapable of doing anything right. They can’t beat a two win Sun Belt team, nor can they take down an Independent team that hasn’t won 10 games in a season since 2011. To make matters worse, the Vols lost to both of these teams at home. You, Phillip Fulmer, Director of Athletics at the University of Tennessee, need to make a change, and it just so happens that we’ve already assembled a coaching staff to replace the current catastrophe.
The Young Tennessee Volunteers Coaching Staff
Head Coach / Linebackers Coach: Patrick Norton, Editor-In-Chief
RESUME:
He’s watched more film than Ron Jaworski, studied more schemes than Jon Gruden and taken care of business away from the gridiron better than Joey Freshwater. A leader of men that shows his cool side 95% of the time and can go ballistic when the time calls.
Patty Takes is a solutions guy through and through. Mr. Fulmer, let’s take the salad off of your plate and let you focus on the main course. Norton’s a go-getter, previously applying for the Volunteer’s AD position and the Pittsburgh Panthers’ men’s basketball head coaching vacancy.
And after watching fifteen documentaries on the 1985 Chicago Bears, he’s ready to have the most penalized linebacking corps in college history.
Assistant Head Coach / Defensive Coordinator / Defensive Line Coach- Bucky Grimes, Writer
RESUME:
- Two years of coaching at the high school level.
- Trained by coaches who have all played or coached at the college level, some at the professional level.
- Hundreds of hours over the last few years watching All-22 film of the NFL.
SCHEME:
A hybrid between the defenses of the Patriots and Vikings, we’ll play a lot of man coverage and bring an overload of pressure on the quarterback, almost like the 46 defense employed by the aforementioned 1985 Chicago Bears. SEC rivals will find it nearly impossible for their quarterbacks to even get the ball out of their hands when they’re staring down the barrel of a swarm of 250 pound 20 year olds.
Offensive Coordinator / QB Coach: TBD, APPLY HERE!
RESUME:
IDEALLY, we’re looking for a kid that’s stuck riding the bench at a top-tier DIII college on a scout team, trying to latch on with the defensive squad. This kid was QB1 in high school, so that mix gives us a nifty blend of planning against and planning for.
OR, we’re always looking for college students interested in writing, graphic design and/or social media practices.
SCHEME:
A familiar name in Volunteer-land, it’ll be a Peyton Manning offense. The bulk of the offense falls on the QB; ID the mike, call for the protection, and make audibles. This will play into the smarts of our QBs, which is essential if you want them to be NFL ready. Simple play concepts, unstoppable with the intelligence of the QB.
Special Teams Coordinator: Daniel Jakes, Director of Contributor Development
Dan is our soccer super-fan, understanding the little things when it comes to playing sports. Apply that to the REAL football field and you’ve got a disciplined and precise group.
Running Backs Coach: Harrison Sillings, Editor
Sillings is on his way to a long career in recruiting, but first, he’s making a quick stop on the path to the top and joining us as our backfield expert. The kid sifts through every detail with a fine-tooth comb. A servant to the film room, he won’t miss players like Alvin Kamara when they’re sitting on the bench.. for Jalen Hurd.
Wide Receivers / Tight Ends Coach: Frank Fanelli, Writer
Frankie has seen it all: every defensive scheme and surprise in the book, he spent a couple weeks watching the Australian Football League and now uses kangaroos in the training process. However, don’t mention the land down under to this mate or else you’ll find yourself trapped in a week-long journey of a conversation.
Offensive Line Coach: Sam Tschida, Writer
Tschida’s number one asset, aside from the fact his name is a homonym for “cheetah”, is the fact he attends Florida State University. He’s got an expert eye on what NOT to look for in an offensive lineman. He’s got some (high school) experience, too, and graduated at the top of his class, that class being the “name that sounds like an animal” class. What more do you need?
Defensive Backs Coach: Chad Collins, Weekend Editor/Defense Specialist
Being in the Army has its perks, but by far the most important is his specialty in air defense. That makes his service to this country and this team immeasurable. Also, even though he’s a diehard Michigan State fan, he promises not to sabotage any other program… except the Wolverines.
Head Scouts: Liam Smith, Site Manager, & Johnny Rambos, Director of Recruiting
While Tennessee has some very good players, these guys are accustomed to bringing in the best of the best… Experts in finding top talent to work for the best college sports site, where over-the-top nonsensical opinions are not welcomed and every opinion formed is based off logic and reasoning that goes deep, they’ve both been gifted with personalities where it doesn’t matter what they are selling, you’re buying.
Why Should You Hire Us?
We are the coaching version of the “Young Thundering Herd”. When it comes to the Tennessee Volunteers, think of the legends that have graced the field in the creamsicle orange, made it to the NFL and are vying for jobs at their alma mater… then throw it all out the window because they all suck. You need a group of young adults to take the reins.
Are we bound to struggle early? Sure, but this is a process, it’s going to take so time and we must preach patience, however, if there’s not immediate success, heads will roll. We weren’t gifted with quick twitch genetics, but I can guarantee this bunch is scrappy, committed (some to the asylum), and full of energy and potential. Great chemistry after working with each other for years, we’re willing to put the great Tennessee Volunteers and their needs ahead of ours.
Including these two losses, y’all sit at 67-72 since 2008 with six losing seasons, currently on pace for a seventh. It COULD be worse, but before we get there, let’s steal some headlines together and let’s get to work.