PJ Guippone

Your favorite gameday picks took the week off last week. It is hard to be a non football guy when everything happening matters so much to the football landscape. Every once in awhile, the football guy hat cannot be taken off, and Championship Week is one of those times.

Fortunately, bowls do not fall into that category. Of the roughly 6,000 bowls representing everything from kale to Mario Kart, exactly two of them are important. Even those are fairly arbitrary, which is proven time and time again when teams that are worthy of a shot are instead stuck in a pointless game that’s named after tortilla chips or some obscure flower.

The point is, bowls are stupid and arbitrary. The bowl system is stupid and arbitrary. It’s almost as if it was all made specifically for me to take a big ol’ dump on my football guy hat and make a bunch of picks based on things that don’t matter at all. The idiocy of the bowl system bred the idiocy of El Pollo and I could not be more grateful for that. Enjoy bowl season one and all.

Saturday, December 16

Celebration Bowl, 12 p.m on ABC: Grambling vs. North Carolina A&T

Grambling changes to the word grumbling with one very simple vowel change. Grumbling is a very fun word, just like many of the words that rhyme with it, such as bumbling and crumbling. Humbling also rhymes, but is less fun. Even with all this, Grambling might be an even more fun fake word. Take the tigers in this one.

New Orleans Bowl, 1 p.m. on ESPN: Troy vs. North Texas

Troy had a pretty good year in Louisiana this season. On LSU’s homecoming game, they invited the Trojans and paid them for what would probably be a massive beatdown. Instead, Troy entered Baton Rouge and took a big, steamy crap on the Tigers. Then, after the game they sent this tweet, which was essentially just spreading that poop all over the LSU football program.

The committee wanted to unleash this giant feces monster again by putting Troy back in Louisiana.

Cure Bowl, 2:30 p.m. on CBSSN: Georgia State vs. Western Kentucky

For starters, I wanted to give a shout out to Cure’s marketing department for this commercial, which is so fantastically creepy it gives me real discomfort while I laugh at it everytime it shows up on my tv.

But back on topic, I can’t even pretend to give a shit about this game. I did a best out of seven coin flip and it hit tails four in a row, which was Western Kentucky. Go Hilltoppers.

Las Vegas Bowl, 3:30 p.m. on ABC: Boise State vs. Oregon

Vegas kind of just stands for everything absurd and over the top to me. That makes it really fitting for these two teams to match up due to Boise State’s blue field and Oregon’s 10 gazillion uniform options. Which one is more Vegas, though? I think I have to lean Oregon on this one. Any time you have more uniform options than Elvis impersonators per 100 Vegas citizens (which I imagine is a very high ratio), you are approaching very impressive numbers. Quack!

New Mexico Bowl, 4:30 p.m. on ESPN: Marshall vs. Colorado State

Breaking Bad, which takes place in New Mexico and is the best show in the history of television, follows bald dude and badass Walter White on a meth production whirlwind that causes him to be estranged from his family but also make a lot a lot of money. Due to this estrangement, his wife Skylar, who is an extremely annoying character that can never really make up her mind, pretends like she is going to run away every once in awhile. In one episode, she drives to the Four Corners national monument and flips a coin to decide where she will fake run away to this time. Both time she flips the coin, it lands in Colorado (she doesn’t leave, but Colorado still won). Take Colorado State.

Camellia Bowl, 8 p.m. on ESPN: Arkansas State vs. Middle Tennessee

For those of you wondering, a Camellia is a flowering plant that is indigenous to eastern and southern Asia. Asia and Arkansas both start with the letter A. Although this is probably the only comparison between the continent of Asia and the state of Arkansas, it is one more comparison than the continent of Asia and the state of Tennessee.

Tuesday, December 19

Boca Raton Bowl, 7 p.m. on ESPN: FAU vs. Akron

I’m just going to leave a few Lane Kiffin Twitter moments here and let you know if you know if you are not on the Lane Train then you are no friend of mine.

Wednesday, December 20

Frisco Bowl, 8 p.m. on ESPN: SMU vs. Louisiana Tech

This is the very first year of the Frisco Bowl because this is exactly what college was missing. The town known for the National Videogame Museum and the Museum of the American Railroad now has even more possible tourist activities with a super awesome and important bowl game. Since the videogame place is the highest rated “thing to do” in Frisco on Google with a 4.8, let’s give it to Louisiana Tech. I’m assuming they have something to do with technology since the school name includes the first syllable of that word.

Thursday, December 21

Gasparilla Bowl, 8 p.m. on ESPN: FIU vs. Temple

Temple may have not been as good as I wanted them to be this season, but they are still going bowling, for whatever that is worth. Finishing above .500 on the year would be really cool for my Owls. Can’t root against my own school.

Friday, December 22

Bahamas Bowl, 12:30 p.m. on ESPN: Ohio vs. UAB

If you think I’m going to root against the best team in the country, you’ve got another thing coming. Let’s go Blazers.

Potato Bowl, 4 p.m. on ESPN: CMU vs. Wyoming

God damn I love potatoes. You can do almost anything with them. Good for all three meals of the day in seemingly innumerate ways. Fries and chips and hashbrowns. They just rock.

Central Michigan’s mascot is the Chippewas, which is another name for the Ojibwe people. They are the fifth largest indigenous group in the Americas and although they are best known for their cultivation of wild rice and copper mining, potatoes are also one of their main farming crops. Wyoming is the Cowboys, who historically have less connections to potatoes. Go Chippewas.

Saturday, December 23

Birmingham Bowl, 12 p.m. on ESPN: USF vs. Texas Tech

Kliff Kingsbury let Baker Mayfield transfer. He didn’t give him a scholarship and then he transferred. For this reason, he should never win a thing ever in his whole life ever. Even though Charlie Strong is a meatball and an average coach, he didn’t let Baker Mayfield leave his program. Go Bulls.

Armed Forces Bowl, 3:30 p.m. on ESPN: Army vs. San Diego State

One of these teams runs the triple option. The other plays a style of football that doesn’t make me want to shove dull knives in my eyeballs. Go San Diego State.

Dollar General Bowl, 7 p.m. on ESPN: Appalachian State vs. Toledo

My Dad works for a razor company called Schick. One of his main customers is Dollar General, so he is often in Tennessee working with them. For this reason, I have a celeb shot coming from him, which is actually perfect because I am extremely biased towards Toledo (who should be ranked) and the only way he could know less about college football is if he lived in the mountains of southern Mongolia.

Dad’s on the Toledo train.

Sunday, December 24

Hawaii Bowl, 8:30 p.m. on ESPN: Fresno State vs. Houston

The plane ride from the University of Houston to Aloha Stadium in Aiea, HI, is 8 hours and 40 minutes. In the eastern time zone, which is the only time zone that really matters, 8:40 is probably exactly when the game will kick off. Cougars by either 8 or 40 points so everything will be very nice and symmetrical.

Tuesday, December 26

Heart of Dallas Bowl, 1:30 p.m on ESPN: Utah vs. West Virginia

If we are talking about heart, there is no team with more heart than West Virginia’s basketball team. I would rather play basketball against a bunch of rabid honey badgers than West Virginia’s defense. Go Mountaineers.

If you thought I was going to get through this without talking about basketball, you obviously haven’t read this column very much.

Quick Lane Bowl, 5:15 p.m. on ESPN: Duke vs. NIU

In the preseason episode of the illustrious and highly successful podcast series The Campus Cover, I predicted Duke to hit the over for the pre season win total mark. I was right and being right is really a lot of fun. Might as well pull for them one more time. Go Blue Devils.

Cactus Bowl, 9 p.m. on ESPN: Kansas State vs. UCLA

Here is a short list of things that I believe could be found in Josh Rosen’s enormous nose.

  • gold
  • a coach for Tennessee
  • a defense that can stop Baker Mayfield
  • the lost city of Atlantis
  • an Ohio State fan that isn’t annoying
  • the meaning of life
  • the cure for cancer

Go Bruins

Wednesday, December 27

Independence Bowl, 1:30 p.m. on ESPN: Florida State vs. Southern Miss

In a game against Delaware State this season, Florida State scored 77 points. If they would have missed an extra point somewhere along the way, that number would have been 76, which is the national number of freedom and independence. Gotta knock them on the fact that they missed this opportunity to make my job making stupid picks really easy. Southern Miss takes it.

Pinstripe Bowl, 5:15 p.m. on ESPN: Boston College vs. Iowa

Iowa may not have done that much with their season, but their 31 point dismantling of Ohio State fucked Urban Meyer and co. right out of the Playoff. That is really a beautiful thing and I believe that deserves some recognition.

Foster Farms Bowl, 8:30 p.m. on FOX: Arizona vs. Purdue

The Purdue subreddit gave me my most viewed article all time on the site. The fact they are giving me a chance to plug myself and have a nice humble brag is more than enough for me to root for them.

Texas Bowl, 9 p.m. on ESPN: Texas vs. Missouri

Can Texas lose a bowl game that literally has the exact same team as their program? Yes because they are not back and they will never be back. Go Tigers.

Thursday, December 28

Military Bowl, 1:30 p.m. on ESPN: Virginia vs. Navy

*refer to write up of the Armed Forces Bowl* Go Cavaliers.

Camping World Bowl, 5:15 p.m. on ESPN: Oklahoma State vs. Virginia Tech

Mason Rudolph will have a Christmas powerup added to his usual superpowers. He will lead the Cowboys to the end zone and victory like the undersized, genetically mutated reindeer leads Santa to children’s homes.

Holiday Bowl, 9 p.m. on FS1: Michigan State vs. Washington State

The ambiguity of “Holiday Bowl” is a lot of fun considering December 28 is not really a holiday at all. Some of the days observed on December 28 are as follows:

  • call a friend day
  • national card playing day
  • national chocolate candy day
  • pledge of allegiance day

I have no friends in either Michigan or Washington. Pennsylvania is the state that eats the most chocolate. The pledge of allegiance was written by Francis Bellamy, who is from New York. The United States Playing Card Company is headquartered in Kentucky. I’m really stumped on how to pick this one because I was going to go for one of those, so I guess I might as well go with Mike Leach, who is the unofficial president of Student Union Sports.

Alamo Bowl, 9 p.m. on ESPN: Stanford vs. TCU

I had a friend one time that got denied acceptance from Stanford. He was more motivated than anyone I have ever met and was a really excellent student. Every semester, he would send his transcript to Stanford to try to show them up. Stanford never once responded. Stanford won that small, inconsequential battle, and they will also win this equally as meaningless conflict.

Friday, December 29

Belk Bowl, 1 p.m. on ESPN: Wake Forest vs. Texas A&M

Belk is a chain of department stores that was founded by William Belk in North Carolina. Wake Forest is a school in North Carolina and Texas A&M is not. The spirit of William Belk will propel Wake Forest to victory.

Sun Bowl, 3 p.m. on CBS: Arizona State vs. NC State

SUN Bowl. SUN Devils. Arizona State can’t blow this one.

Music City Bowl, 4:30 p.m. on ESPN: Kentucky vs. Northwestern

A Google search of “famous musicians from Lexington, Kentucky,” shows Brian Littrell, Emarosa and Kent Blazy, all of which I do not know. The same search for Chicago gives results of Chicago, Wilco and Kanye West. I know and thoroughly enjoy all three of those musical acts. Go Northwestern in the battle of Wildcats.

Arizona Bowl, 5:30 p.m. on CBSSN: New Mexico State vs. Utah State

New Mexico borders Arizona to the east and Utah borders Arizona to the north. I am from the northeast, so I am torn on this one. But when I think of my geographic standing, I consider myself to be more east than north. New Mexico State it is.

Cotton Bowl, 8:30 p.m. on ESPN: Ohio State vs. USC

For starters, Wisconsin losing really killed my vibe. Not only did it leave a spot for Alabama in the Playoff, but it also robbed everyone of a Penn State v USC bowl game rematch. This means I am very angry with Ohio State right now. I will be very strongly rooting against them, so I guess that means I’m picking USC.

Saturday, December 30

TaxSlayer Bowl, 12 p.m. on ESPN: Mississippi State vs. Louisville

I can’t take my football guy hat off for this one. Mississippi State has no quarterback and no coach. Louisville has Lamar Jackson. Give me Louisville or give me death.

Liberty Bowl, 12:30 p.m. on ABC: Memphis vs. Iowa State

Iowa State is 10-2 against the spread this season, which is good for tops in the FBS. I have immense respect for teams that you can consistently count on to make you money. This is a full 2 ish games better than Memphis, who is sitting at a still solid 7-4-1 on the year. Let’s play the odds on the Cyclones here.

Fiesta Bowl, 4 p.m. on ESPN: Penn State vs. Washington

For those curious, the first Catholic High School in America, Roman Catholic is in Philadelphia. They have a really fantastic tradition of basketball and many of their best players in the last few years, including Tony Carr, Lamar Stevens and Shep Garner, have gone to Penn State. They are all stars for the Nittany Lions on the Court this year and I watched them all in high school, which is really cool as a fan. I watched 0 players from Washington’s basketball team in high school.

Orange Bowl, 8 p.m. on ESPN: Miami vs. Wisconsin

This game is really probably going to suck a lot. It is sort of fun that the Committee matched up the two teams that have been considered overrated all year to see which one is less overrated. It’s Wisconsin. They’re the team that’s less overrated. Go Badgers.

Monday, January 1

Outback Bowl, 12 p.m. on ESPN2: Michigan vs. South Carolina

This is an anecdote that in no way is related to my pick. I love Outback very, very much. I have never had an unfortunate meal there ever and have chosen it for multiple birthday dinners. We didn’t go there very often when I was a kid, but this means my family knows how much I love Outback. I do not go home very often when I am at school, though, and a running joke in my family is that they go to Outback without me very often. This is very funny for them and very not funny for me. It is a serious point of contention in my home.

Also, I’m picking Michigan to win this game.

Peach Bowl, 12:30 p.m. on ESPN: Auburn vs. UCF

Pettiness is fun a lot of the time. The NBA would not be as fun without it and Lane Kiffin’s twitter wouldn’t be quite as fun. But, respect is another thing that is really beautiful in a lot of situations. This tweet filled my heart with more joy than a picture of a baby pig wearing rainboots.

Citrus Bowl, 1 p.m. on ABC: Notre Dame vs. LSU

I don’t know if the tree of any citrus fruit could grow in either South Bend, Indiana, or Baton Rouge, Louisiana, but if I were to guess, there is a much better chance of it working in Louisiana. I actually can’t even really imagine an orange tree in any part of Indiana. Louisiana State belongs here more. Go Tigers.

Rose Bowl Playoff semifinal, 5 p.m. on ESPN: Oklahoma vs. Georgia

Since the beginning of the college football season, I have talked about Baker Mayfield more times than Donald Trump has sent a tweet. He is appointment television like the middle of the day Seinfeld marathon on TBS or Grayson Allen in the last five minutes of a close game. Boomer Sooner.

Sugar Bowl Playoff semifinal, 8:45 p.m. on ESPN: Clemson vs. Alabama

Would you rather play for this guy, or a guy that has literally never once been happy in his entire life? If your answer is Saban, I hope I never, ever meet you as long as I live because I guarantee you are also annoyed by batflips and basketball players talking trash and touchdown celebrations, so I can also guarantee I wouldn’t like you. Go Tigers.