Cheating goes on in pretty much every single aspect of recruiting in basically every sport. I can guarantee whatever school you go to your rowing team has probably cheated, for God’s sake even the chess club has probably gone against some ridiculous NCAA rule. With the news of the wiretapping that came out this weekend and basically ruining Sean Miller’s basketball coaching career, I started wondering what it would look like if the FBI wire tapped some College Football Head Coaches cell phones…
Nick Saban – Let’s just say most of his phone calls would go to recruits and his wonderful wife. The rest would probably go to the car dealerships he uses to get all his 5 star recruits nice cars. This is one of the few ways college coaches get around paying players directly, leasing them cars through dealerships. Apparently it may be legal somehow, someway, but I can guarantee most of his late night phone calls are not to Jake from State Farm, they are to Roger at Roger’s Mercedes-Benz dealership.
Dabo Swinney – The ultimate good guy of college football. I would venture to say most of his phone calls go to his wife and kids, with some to his mother. The rest are to recruits’ parents and whatever youth ministries and/or charities he is currently donating too. People forget he baptizes players at practice and completely changes kids’ lives. He probably doesn’t even stay up past 10 pm to have late night phone calls, so i’m thinking the FBI doesn’t find much here except a new friend.
P.J. Fleck – Okay let’s preface this by saying he was ranked number 4 overall on the top 10 most recent douchebags of college football. You know he left his wife for a stripper and all, so now that he’s at Minnesota his phone calls are probably consisting of backpage escorts and local strip clubs. Coach Fleck maybe even hires backpage ladies for his recruits and players because he might be too addicted to a good time (allegedly). The FBI probably wouldn’t be happy with him hiring escorts, considering prostitution is currently illegal in America, but would they be upset with him using his hookers to recruit college football players? Rick Pitino did it and he still has a job….. wait………….
Urban Meyer – I think the entire world knows damn well where all his phone calls are going from the morning time to night time. ENTER TIM TEBOW. Urban and Timmy had the most open relationship in college football over the last 20 years. Urban Meyer even retired because of “health problems” and “family issues” when Tim Tebow went to the NFL. Kind of sad to be honest with you, a true love story that only lasted 4 long college years. The FBI may find that Urban Meyer never actually had any health problems, though, and that he doesn’t even call his family because he only cares about himself, Tim Tebow and winning. Sad!
Jimbo Fisher – The FBI might actually find out a real crime in Jimbo’s case, everyone knows that his wife cheated on him with multiple men in Florida, and if I were him with all that money, I would probably hire hitmen. So maybe he isn’t cheating to recruit just yet, but he definitely has to earn his pride back, so what better way than to take out the men your ex wife cheated on you with? @FBI I would probably start looking into this sooner rather than later, you are welcome for the early tip. Watching murder mysteries with my mom for 23 years has finally paid off.
Lane Kiffin – I honestly hope the FBI looks into Lane Kiffin, I think they would probably find a ton of off the wall kind of stuff. Like an excess of dick pics and late night calls to Saban’s daughter and Alabama boosters’ wives. Currently residing in Florida, he is living his life, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t still getting laid like eggs down there.
I think recruiting-wise and program-wise he is probably fairly clean, but all that alcohol that is consumed on a daily basis could be cause for some late-night recruit drama. Imagine getting a voicemail from Lane Kiffin at 2:47 in the morning “Hey Devonte, It’s Lane i’m just sitting on my porch thinking about you and how great of a quarterback you would make for me. I even think we could be really good friends outside of football, wanna get a beer sometime, anyways man sorry I’m rambling, call me back in the near feature. Joey Freshwater out.” Now that actually may be illegal, leaving a recruit a drunk voicemail, but I’m all in for the FBI releasing those voicemails and so is the rest of America.
Kirby Smart – Kirby Smart still wears a visor in 2018, so to me there is just something automatically off about this guy and I just can’t put my finger on it. He probably has some sort of secret recruiting tactic that no one knows about. The FBI may actually be needed in this case since he had the greatest recruiting class in the history of Rivals.com, pretty much out of nowhere. Yes, Georgia made a National Championship, but this recruiting class they had was just unreal. My best guess is that Kirby calls recruits a lot and is pretty friendly, but he also flies helicopters to recruits’ high schools to pretty much just flex on everybody. So even if he is “fake humble,” he still may be clean. Just a huge fucking douchebag. My best guess is he just makes it on the FBI’s least cool dudes list.
Jim Harbaugh – The weirdest dude in college football currently has to be Harbaugh. From jumping in pools fully clothed, to being grossly obsessed with milk. The FBI wiretapping is going to expose just how weird this dude really is. My best guess here is they find out he probably bathes in milk fully clothed and only has sex with his wife when the room is completely dark and there is a full moon outside. Some stuff that really will make your skin crawl. His recruiting tactics are pretty suspect as well, he usually has a ton of decommitments throughout the season and it makes sense. When you really get to know somebody, you learn just how strange they can actually be. FBI should lock this dude up based on how overrated of a college coach he is and his weird fucking milk obsession. If I had to bank on one coach actually paying a recruit, my pick is Harbaugh.
Most College Football coaches stay on the cleaner side of recruiting. If you pay attention to sports you probably know college basketball has always had much more cheating going on. Although Cam Newton’s dad got the bag dropped, he is a rare case. If there is ever a 5 star basketball recruit you can bet your sweet ass he is getting paid 6 digits and the Sean Miller wiretapping is just the first of many to come out, just wait until Coach Calipari gets caught for paying his first recruiting class at Kentucky….
– Johnny Rambos