You may find many different articles throughout the internet trying to tell you how to consume college football’s opening weekend the “right way.” In an effort for originality that you’ll only find here at the U, how about just the opposite? Here’s an article on how to avoid the best possible opening weekend. If you enjoy college football, but also like messing with your buddies that are trying to watch games with you, look no further. Before we get going, if someone actually finds themselves following the directions laid out in this article, please make sure to tweet at me @JohnDales_.
Thursday
Central Michigan vs. Albany — 7 pm ESPN3
Yep, you guessed it, we start at the hub of college football: Kelly/Shorts Stadium in Mount Pleasant, Michigan. What better way is there to start out the year with a primetime matchup between an FCS team and a MAC team coming off a 1-11 season?
Minnesota vs. South Dakota State — 9 pm FS1
Change the channel to Fox Sports 1 as fast as you can. It’s time to row the boat. I cannot wait for this game to stretch into the fourth quarter still a one possession game, that’ll end up being an anticlimactic Minnesota win.
Friday
Rutgers vs. UMass — 7:15 pm BTN
Oh boy, how about this one to get things cooking? Rutgers hasn’t had a winning season since 2014, and UMass hasn’t had one since 2010. Kickstart your Friday night with two perennial bottom-dwellers fighting to sniff five wins this year.
Colorado vs. Northern Colorado — 10 pm ESPN
One of the great in-state rivalries of all time is taking place on Friday night in Boulder. These two teams just do not like each other. You can feel the hate through the TV screen. Throw out the record books when the Bears and Buffaloes line up against each other. These are the phrases you’ll need to be saying in order to keep the channel from being changed immediately by whomever you’re watching it with.
Saturday
Illinois vs. Akron — noon BTN
Wow, the Big Ten Network is really rolling out the red carpet for opening weekend. Make sure to discretely throw this one on the TV in the midst of a mid-day tailgate, and you’ll get the inevitable “why the hell are we watching this game?” In that moment, just pray for a close-up shot of Lovie Smith and his beard, and that game will stay on for sure.
Arkansas vs. Portland State — 4 pm SEC Network
Year two of the Chad Morris era in Fayetteville is starting with an absolute bang. If you find a way to get this one on the TV without a complaint, you’re a genius, or your tailgate mates are absolutely getting after it. In any case, I cannot think of a worse way to spend an afternoon than watching a horrible SEC team beat up on squeak by one from the Big Sky.
Kansas State vs. Nicholls — 7 pm ESPN+
You’re going to want to shell out the cash for an ESPN+ subscription to watch this one. Apparently, Bill Snyder is retired now, but I’m not buying it. That guy has been standing on the K State sidelines seemingly since the forward pass was popularized. Even if Snyder is somehow watching this one from the stands, it’s an ESPN+ broadcast against Nicholls, so we should get plenty of close-ups and commentary about good ole’ uncle Bill.
#23 Washington State vs. New Mexico State — 10 pm Pac-12 Network
It’s slim pickings for the night slate here in week one. This one actually crosses the line into watchable territory because Wazzu is ranked, but it’s the best I can do. However, New Mexico State is absolutely terrible, and if you want to finish off a Saturday done wrong, do it by watching the entirety of a blowout where half the crowd will be gone by halftime.
Sunday
#4 Oklahoma vs. Houston — 7:30 pm ABC
This is actually a good game, so it’s pretty hard to consume it the “wrong way”. In that case, try to throw on the Spanish broadcast, and tell your buddies it’s stuck that way. If there’s a way to ruin a game between a Dana Holgorsen coached team and Oklahoma, it’ll be have to be messing with the TV. If the language change doesn’t work, try to mess with the visual controls and zoom in or turn on the picture-in-picture while yelling around “who the hell is sitting on the remote?”
Monday
#9 Notre Dame vs. Louisville — 8 pm ESPN
As a Notre Dame fan, I bite my tongue while writing this one. However, if you want to consume this one the wrong way, just be the obnoxious Notre Dame fan in the room. It’s pretty self-explanatory. After Notre Dame gets a slight lead, start talking about how you’d be stunned if the Irish didn’t run the table to the national championship. Afterwards go on to explain how Notre Dame didn’t get blown out by Clemson in the playoffs last year. They were actually railroaded by the officials. That first quarter fumble was in bounds, and it would’ve changed the entire game if Clemson didn’t get the ball back right there. Also, the Irish lost to Clemson by less than Nick Saban’s squad did.
There’s how you spend opening weekend the wrong way. If this article gets some clicks, check back in for week two.