Merry Christmas Eve, everyone, and congratulations to all of you who just finished up another semester at school. You’ve worked hard all semester to earn this holiday break, and this article (series???) goes out to you.
If you’re like me, you normally have a final on the last possible day of every semester, so you just got home yesterday. But most of you have been home for a week or so already. Either way, this is the first extended period of time you have been/will be back home since August, so at first it’s great to see everyone. Answering, “how do you like school?” gets old by the hundredth time, though. So, now you’re beginning to remember why you wanted to leave for school so badly in August.
It’s unfortunate that by the time Christmas comes and you’re forced to spend so much time with your family, the excitement of seeing them for the first time in so long has already worn off. However, it’s nothing to complain about, it’s just the way it is, and I’m here to teach you how to cope with it.
The short solution: gamble.
Gamble every chance you can. Whether it’s on all the sports that are on TV, a poker game with the family, or that you can still pin your little pizza-faced cousin who’s all jacked up on testosterone because he just hit puberty but definitely still can’t back up the shit he’s talking to you. Since this is Student Union Sports, I’ll be expanding upon gambling on the sports on TV. This blog will get you through Christmas, part 2 will get you through New Years, and then possibly a part 3 to get you back to spring semester.
Whether or not you’re hosting Christmas, your mother is obligated to force you to clean your house in some capacity on Christmas Eve. Now you can’t get out of cleaning, but you can prolong it. I’ll pause there because I know a few of you might want to say that you’d rather just get all of the cleaning out of the way early, but you would be naïve. You see, there is no such thing as getting all of the cleaning out of the way. The list of things to clean on Christmas Eve never ends. Once you’ve finished what you’ve been asked to do, there WILL be something else to do all the way until your Christmas Eve/Christmas Day parties begin.
The NFL games are good for minimizing the amount of cleaning you’ll need to do. First, make sure your mom knows you have some type of vested interest in these NFL games today. My mom knows I like to gamble, so saying something this morning like “Oh boy, hoping for a lot of points in New Orleans this afternoon” will let my mom know that I have the over. If she sees that the game is on when she asks me to vacuum the basement later, then “okay, after this drive” will be a perfectly acceptable answer. If your family frowns upon gambling, make up something about how a game has playoff or draft pick implications for your favorite team.
Either way, a parlay is the best way to root for this (The NFL is the most unpredictable thing ever, so any randomly generated 4-5 teamer will do). Place it for the average cost of one present you purchased this year. If the parlay hits then you’ve won back all of the money you spent on gifts, and if it loses then who cares you just bought one extra present and lost it.
CHRISTMAS EVE PARTY TIPS
As I hinted earlier, you are going to run out of things to talk about with the family FAST. So, once the NFL has done its job and gotten you to the Christmas parties, you’ll need action on the games being played during those parties. Fresno State vs. Houston will be your first game to look at. The difference is that for the NFL, you knew you’d only be seeing bits and pieces of the game while cleaning, but now that you’re responsibility free at a party, the game will be the main focus. I’d tell you to take the time to do your homework and make this bet wisely, but I’ve already done that for you.
Here’s my expert breakdown: Houston kicks ass in big games. There’s no rhyme or reason behind it. I’ve seen analyst after analyst tell me why “this Houston team isn’t as talented as the last one” or that the opponent they’re about to play isn’t as vulnerable as the last one. Sure, Houston loses to a few teams American Athletic Conference teams that they shouldn’t when they’re playing on CBS Sports Network or whatever other irrelevant TV station that doesn’t come in my basic cable package. But I can’t remember them losing on a real channel in primetime.
PICK: Houston -2
CHRISTMAS DAY PARTY TIPS
I tell everyone that I don’t watch/bet on basketball until after football season. For the most part this is true, but Christmas is an exception. The NBA is just as unpredictable as the NFL, so if you have family members that you know will need those games on then throw in another random parlay. The real money will be available in the college basketball games.
I can’t find lines for the college games yet, so I’ll just be giving you the winners. Hopefully you get a nice ML dawg out of it.
Akron vs. Davidson
Davidson used to have Steph Curry. Therefore, I assume they’ll have a small guy who’s good at shooting. This is the kind of kid who comes to play when he knows this is one of the few times he’ll be on TV for the season and makes the difference on Christmas Day. Bet the house on Davidson.
Princeton vs. Hawaii
At first glance this screams “take Hawaii.” They’re basically home while Princeton needs to travel halfway around the globe for this game, and they boast an 8-3 record to Princeton’s 6-7 record. However, Princeton has a senior point guard named Amir Bell. When I was a senior in high school, Amir was the starting second basemen on my baseball team. He’s a great kid, and great things happen to great people on Christmas. Princeton is also the Tigers, and Santa loves Tigers more than any other animal. Princeton is a lock.
USC vs. New Mexico State
USC likes a fast tempo. I’d go as far to say that they NEED the fast tempo to win games. They panic when they need to slow the ball down. None of these kids were ever taught how to use the clock up or control the tempo. The Aggies are the complete opposite. As long as they play their own game and don’t fall into the trap of trying to out run USC, they’ll pull this one out.
Middle Tennessee vs. Miami
I’m not saying Miami is bad, but I am saying that they’ve done nothing to earn a ranking of #6. Just like their football team this year, they climbed the rankings while playing nobodies. New Mexico State is a decent team, but no #6 team in the country should win by anything less than 10 against them. Miami lost by almost 10. Now, we’ll see if they bounce back angry and motivated, or if they were truly overrated all along. Although I do still think they’re overrated, I think they have enough in them to squeak out a close win against another mediocre team.
And that my friends, should take us to December 26th. Make sure to come back for more expert advice on how to get through the week between Christmas and New Years as we experience the heart of bowl season.