College basketball is BACK and that means one thing: big-time schools and small schools alike taking on opponents that are not real. Well, they are real. But they don’t feel like it. As the great plane lady Tiffany Gomas said, that mother trucker is NOT real (we are a family friendly show). Today, I decided to take a look at some of the best fake real schools that have circulated over the first few days of the season. I’m not talking about small D1 schools. I’m talking schools with no logos on the ESPN score app.

Stanislaus State Warriors (lost 107-28 to Saint Mary’s)

Stanislaus State is a California state school located in Turlock. The Warriors have two very notable alums, both from the baseball world. One is Rusty Kuntz- the greatest baseball name of all-time. Kuntz led the Warriors to two Div. III College World Series appearances, but let’s be honest. The real reason he was inducted to the Stanislaus State Athletic Hall of Fame was for that name. The second baseball alum is Joe Ryan, a current pitcher for the Twins. As you can tell by the score, this now Div. II program is not known for their hoops. However, they do have a starting guard named Jonathan Tchengang, which is pretty cool. Not Rusty Kuntz level, but cool. Stanislaus State shot 9-58 from the floor (15.5%) which is not ideal.

One other notable alum is Emmy-award winning casting director and producer Robert J. Ulrich. Let me tell you, this guy has made some great casting decisions. He casted one of the best shows on television right now in The Boys and has also worked on other bangers such as Glee, Diagnosis: Murder, and Matlock among others. I also decided to include a picture of Stanislaus State head coach Paul Trevor for fun. Shoutout Stan State.

Blue Mountain College Toppers (lost 93-60 to North Alabama)

Nope, unfortunately not THAT Blue Mountain State. Thad Castle will not be found at this quaint Christian university located in Mississippi, although if he heard Toppers he might be on his way. Blue Mountain College originally opened as an all-girls school, which could explain the lack of success with the men’s basketball team that is licking its wounds after a 33 point loss to North Alabama. This is, however, an improvement on their 100-60 loss last season.

Voorhees Tigers (lost 65-57 to SC State)

Again, unfortunately not THAT Voorhees. Although I’m sure Mrs. Voohees would make a great dean and Jason would be a MENACE on the basketball court, once again this university was not founded by the highly successful murderous family. The only notable alum from this HBCU located in South Carolina is ex NBA player, Jackie Dinkus. Dinkus was blessed with a great name but unfortunately not the great skills required of an NBA player. He finished his career after just one season for the Bulls, averaging 2.5 points.

Champion Christian Tigers (lost 104-76 to UT Martin)

Champion Christian College located in Hot Springs, Arkansas has a bit of a misleading name. At least for men’s basketball. The school has only been around since 2005, and the men’s basketball team is still in its early stages. In 2013, the Tigers lost 116-12 to Southern University. To start the game, Southern went on a STUNNING 44-0 run, the all-time NCAA record for points scored to start a game. They certainly did not play like a Champion that day. Luckily, Monday’s 104-76 loss is actually a huge step in the right direction.

Last season, the Tigers did make the NCCAA National Tournament but did not live up to the Champion name. The NCCAA is, of course, the National Christian College Athletic Association. The Lady Tigers, however, did live up to their Champion name. They captured a NCCAA title in 2021.

Sarah Lawrence Gryphons (lost 95-51 to Sacred Heart)

Contrary to popular belief, Sarah Lawrence does have a men’s basketball team. Originally an all-girls school, the boys were allowed in by 1968. First of all, Gryphons is an awesome name. The especially cool part is using that spelling as opposed to Griffon or Griffin. Canisius College uses “Griffin” which creates a great logo but a spelling that signifies that one nerd in your high school math class.

Sarah Lawrence has a pretty dope alum list. That group includes journalist Barbara Walters, actress Carrie Fisher, fashion designer Vera Wang, artist Yoko Ono, and filmmaker J.J. Abrams. A strong list unfortunately paired with a somewhat weak basketball team that has not had a winning season since 2018. Maybe having a women’s name on their jersey is too intimidating.

Life University Running Eagles (lost 90-72 to Austin Peay)

My, my, my. How the tables turn. Austin Peay is usually the fake school that SEC schools destroy every fall in football. Now, they’re dismantling the Running Eagles. That’s life! (Pun 100% intended). One thing Austin Peay cannot do is break their back. Life University is a private university focused on training chiropractors. Unfortunately, according to Wikipedia, “a federal judge retroactively restored the accreditation in February 2003 and placed the chiropractic program on a probationary status. This was due to CCE’s investigators apparently concluding that Life students were not being taught how to detect and deal with problems that require medical attention.” The good news is, as of 2023 the accreditation is BACK (another great pun here).

I wasn’t really sure what a Running Eagle is, as opposed to a flying eagle. Maybe that is why they were really stripped of their accreditation. Then, I did some research. A running eagle is actually a Native American reference from the Blackfoot tribe. I suggest everyone read up on it here. Life University is valid in my book.