Lilly Donahue | Indiana University

With our nation’s presidential inauguration on the horizon, I’ve taken the liberty of creating a starting lineup for a football team made up of US presidents. Some, like Gerald Ford, were no-brainers, but many presidents required some interesting justifications for their assigned positions. Not every president is included, but I think this roster might be able to take on the worst team in the FBS (with the assistance of nukes, that is). Enjoy!

QB: George H. W. Bush

While Papa Bush wasn’t the only president to play baseball, he was the best. Bush played first base at Yale, which suggests he has a strong arm required for the job. Plus, the was a naval aviator, so we know he is a great leader as well. Just don’t ask him about taxes…

RB: Ronald Reagan

Reagan played football at tiny Eureka College, but that’s not what earns him the nod at RB. One of his most famous acting roles was as the famous Notre Dame RB George Gipp, who was an All-American under Knute Rockne. Plus, we all know that Reagan can basically run through walls…or at least tell people to knock them down.

WR: Thomas Jefferson

All three of our WR choices are based mostly on height, and the wiry Jefferson towered over his peers at 6’2. Jefferson was great at creating space, like the Louisiana Territory, and was very elusive in his personal affairs (yes, I am talking about Sally Hemmings)

WR: Barack Obama

Arguably America’s coolest president, Obama is tall, athletic, and a lover of sports. While his favorite sport is basketball, he has good hands and a tall frame that sets him up to be an excellent WR. He’s not a big fan of blocking though, but Congress does plenty of that for him.

WR: Abraham Lincoln

Who better to round out this powerful receiving corps? Honest Abe was our tallest president at 6’4, and he didn’t lack toughness either. Lincoln chopped wood in his youth, and could even do what most northern teams can’t: beat the South.

TE: Donald Trump (yes, this is a double entendre)

Trump is tall, chunky, and aggressive. He probably would trash talk a lot with his opponents about having a yuuuge performance. Whether or not he’d deliver on his statements is yet to be seen, but it might be hard for him to catch passes due to his tiny hands.

RT: Grover Cleveland

All the O-linemen are here because they are some of our larger presidents. Grover does have the unique role of being on the team, leaving for a few years, and making a return that was non-consecutive!

RG: William McKinley

Like Grover, McKinley was a bit hefty, but that heft earned him a spot on the team! Don’t underestimate Bill though, he fought in the Civil War, so we know he’s tough. Also the high school football team in Glee is named after him.

C: Gerald Ford

Despite being perceived as clumsy because he fell down the stairs of Air Force One (a fair assumption), Ford was extremely athletic. He played football at the University of Michigan, and was the only president to be offered an NFL contract. He was a three way player as a center, linebacker, and long snapper. Did I mention he won two nattys at UM?

LG: Zachary Taylor

Another chubby president makes the o-line. Taylor may be regarded as one of our worst presidents, but maybe he’ll be solid on the line. Taylor was a war hero, so he has that going for him.

LT: Chester A. Arthur

Like many NFL offensive linemen, you probably just read Chester Arthur’s name and thought to yourself, who? You’re not alone. Arthur didn’t really want to be president, and was only in the office due to the assassination of James Garfield. Think of him as the lovable backup!

DE: Lyndon B. Johnson

LBJ was crazy as hell. The man would drunkenly drive reporters around his Texas ranch, and then plunge his car, which also functioned as a boat, into a lake. Fun! He towered over many in the White House and Senate, and used his height as a method of intimidation. He’s also not afraid to escalate a situation *cough* Vietnam *cough*, so he’d be great to chase after the QB.

DE: Bill Clinton

First, let me point out that this is the most wild duo possible at DE, but also probably the most fun. Billy was a bit chubby when he entered office and of reasonable height, so he has the measurables for the job. He’s also a bit (or a lot) reckless, so his lack of fear of consequences (Monica) would serve him well on defense.

NG: William Howard Taft

Poor Taft. His biggest legacy to most Americans is his weight (over 300 lbs), but he actually is the only president to also be a chief justice of the Supreme Court. He also got stuck in a bathtub, so there’s that. Sorry Willy.

LB: Theodore Roosevelt

This is the greatest linebacking corps ever assembled, hands down. First we have Teddy, who was an avid outdoorsman, tough as nails, and creator of our National Parks. He literally got shot before a speech, and then gave the speech anyways. What. A. Badass.

LB: Dwight D. Eisenhower

Ike played linebacker during his time at West Point, and actually faced the famous Jim Thorpe. Ike is tough, a strong leader, and kicked some Nazi ass in WWII. He’d definitely be the defensive captain, especially if the team hated communism (spoiler alert: they all did).

LB: George Washington

Everyone know Washington was the first president and commander of the Continental Army, but did you know he was one of the best dancers in the colonies? His prowess on the dance floor show that he’s agile, and his strength and height prove that he’d be a dominant force on the gridiron.

LB: Ulysses S. Grant

To round out our linebacking corps from hell, we have Ulysses S. Grant. Educated at West Point, Grant was one of the only competent Union generals, and helped propel the Union to victory. Plus, he didn’t just want to end the war, he wanted to rid the US of slavery. So yeah, he’s pretty great.

CB: John F. Kennedy

Following in the tradition of other DBs like Pacman Jones and Antonio Cromartie, JFK was always going at it. There’s a 10000% chance that he had STDs if we’re being honest. JFK was not the most athletic with his bad back, but he enjoyed playing catch often. His affinity for catching footballs and women puts him down as a CB. Plus he was a great defender, especially against potential missiles.

CB: Woodrow Wilson

Wilson was a baseball player who mostly played center field. Corner is fairly similar to centerfield, so Wilson would probably do well here. His contract does include his wife Edith, who basically ran America after Wilson’s debilitating stroke.

FS: George W. Bush

Dubya was known to be quite a good runner, and a free saftey roams the whole field. He proved his agility by dodging not one, but two shoes in Iraq, and agility is vital to his position. Plus, if he’s on defense, he might not be able to preemptively strike as much. Just don’t misunderestimate him!

SS: Andrew Jackson

Okay, so he’s not the best president, but he was a hard hitter. After someone tried to assassinate him, he beat the shit out them with his cane and had to be physically restrained! His starting role will probably end soon, because the most badass woman in history, Harriett Tubman, is about to take his place.

K: James Madison

America’s tiniest president stood only 5’4, so he’d fit right in with most kickers! Could he kick? We don’t know, but boy, could he write! Can we let him join Student Union Sports?

P: Richard Nixon

Nixon actually played football at Whittier College, but all reports say he was 3rd string and awful. I did see this picture of him punting a soccer ball, and decided that it was enough evidence to give him the starting nod. I hope he doesn’t punt away the evidence!

 

I hope you enjoyed the article! Tweet me @lillyd11915 and tell me who you think should have gone where!