I absolutely love It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Or, as my mother calls it, “That Stupid Show Where They All Yell at Each Other.” I can safely say it’s one of my three favorite shows along with Curb Your Enthusiasm and True Detective.
But I have an issue. As funny as I think the show is, what is happening right now, in real life, is not funny.
Michigan State football fans are being DENNIS Systemed by their own coach. Let me explain. Dennis Reynolds is a lunatic. His adventures in romance have met mixed results. He’s the clear ringleader of “The Gang.”
The DENNIS System is a wildly successful method of dating that has six easy steps.
Demonstrate Value
The crucial first step. Prove your worth!
Engage Physically
This could be a myriad of things. I’ll let you (the reader!) figure out just what it means to you!
Nurture Dependence
Make them fall for you.
Neglect Emotionally
Like a ghost in the night, you’re gone.
Inspire Hope
Keep them on the line.
Separate Entirely
Without warning, home forever.
Boy does this sound familiar or what? Here’s where Mark Dantonio comes in.
Demonstrate Value
Take over a once proud program and take it to heights it never imagined it would see again. Endear yourself to fans of all ages.
Engage Physically
Win the Big Ten championship & Rose Bowl, Cotton Bowl and B1G championship & make the playoff in consecutive years.
Nurture Dependence
The Spartan faithful watch from afar as their hated rival suffers through the Rich Rod and Brady Hoke regimes. “That can’t be allowed to happen to us!” We all say. We’ve got our guy, Mark Dantonio.
Neglect Emotionally
3-9!! No major changes to the staff!!
Inspire Hope
Like that time that MSU went 10-3 after the disastrous 3-9 season that started all of this.
Separate Entirely
Regress back to the mean. Revert to your old, stubborn ways. Watch as your team loses big game after big game. Laugh as the fan base implodes.
Retire and ride off into the sunset leaving nothing but a burning heap of your once proud relationship in your wake.
There it is
Mark Dantonio has nearly completed his flawless DENNIS of Michigan State football. He will undoubtedly retire as our all-time winningest coach. He will do so with a whimper. Spartans Will, I guess.