If you’ve been to your school’s rec center this year, you’ve probably come across a game or two of pickup basketball. While we all believe in our talents and think we can shoot like Devonte’ Graham or rebound like DeAndre Ayton, everybody stems from one of these nine characters you’ll meet on the court.
The Kid Who Never Plays, but ALWAYS Shoots Around.
They’ll do their best to stay out of your way throughout the game, but without fail, their terribly missed shot will bounce through a possession and create a pause while they run through the game and retrieve their ball. When all courts are filled, they’ll wait patiently until possessions shift to the other side of the court until they begin to take their errant shots. Don’t be fooled if they have a hot hand, they’re not going to be your fifth anyways. They’re there to break a sweat, not to experience chest pains from running the court.
The Kid Who Joins Every Team and Plays for Hours.
I’ll do anything for page views, but I’m hoping my roommate skips this one. If he’s not in the room or at class, he’s at the gym playing basketball. As the clock ticks away the night, players’ arrivals and departures force team shuffling every few games. This player will play for any team in any role and will stay for hours at a time. By the end of the night, as the gym begins to close, he’s the last person on the court getting in the last few shots. He’s played with as many as twenty-four different players in six hours.
The Football Player
A pure alpha of a human being. This guy may not tower over everybody, but he wins the strength battle on every day that ends in “y.” Athleticism oozes from his body and his ability cannot be contained, but he may not be the best when it comes to shooting. He’ll have an easy path to the hoop because nobody wants to be blamed for spraining the starting left tackle’s ankle.
The Tall Kid Who Doesn’t Post
Quite possibly the most frustrating person to have on your team, this guy towers over everybody else standing at 6’9 *#nice*, but every time he’s fed the ball, he dribbles around and settles for a jump shot from fourteen feet out.
The Equipment Manager
This kid steps on the court with the newest edition of Jordans, two shooting sleeves and a pair of knee braces. This guy came to PLAY *sarcasm font*. His playing style is reminiscent of Brian Scalabrine’s glory days, but his style reminds you of Kevin Durant. He knows what he’s doing and he’s got decent form, but don’t let him get hot; he’ll dribble, drive and bounce one off the glass into Mars with his confidence level leaving the galaxy.
The High School Prodigy
Typically from a small town in the southern portion of Wyoming, they never had any intention of playing basketball past high school. Their skills aren’t consistently comparable to a college star, but my god, you’re asking yourself how they weren’t recruited to Kansas when they step back like Kyrie and drain buckets like Kobe. This kid averaged 20.7 points per game on Varsity, but after giving up on the sport, he decided to take his talents to the south court. Consider yourself lucky if he’s a part of your squad.
The Jimmer
The Jimmer, The Trae Young, The Steph Curry; they’re all the same. They set up camp seven feet behind the three point line and even if their path to the basket in clear, they’ll shoot their shot. Do not pass to The Jimmer unless you’re ready to fight for a rebound and do not anticipate an assisting pass from this player. And even though they’re the closest to the half court line, they’ve never been the first person back on defense.
The Out-of-Shape Roommate
*Sheepishly raises hand* This is me. I’ll hit up the courts once every two or three weeks whenever I’m looking for a lifestyle change. It typically serves as a follow up to a second consecutive night going to Cane’s and ordering the Caniac Combo. This player is easily identified as the one who either stays back on defense the entire game or is always up waiting for the ball. They’ll cross half court a grand total of six times throughout the entirety of the game and they’ll insist that their team is the “shirts” half of “shirts and skins.” They’re most likely gassed after the first four possessions, so don’t count on them for a second game if you’re able to prevail in the first. Be warned: this person is still devilishly handsome and incredibly witty…trust me.
The Ref
There’s always one and be honest, you just pictured them in your head. You’re playing a fun game of basketball with some friends when all of the sudden, a defensive three-seconds violation is called. It comes as a shock the first time you hear the call, but soon after, you begin to notice a pattern. Travels, double tribbles, assaults underneath the rim, we get it, it’s not a free-for-all. But jump ball violations, out-of-bounds screens and unsportsmanlike conduct fouls? You’ve found yourself a real Joey Crawford.
