Some might use a ROTH IRA or 401K for their long-term investment strategy. I consider college football spreads my chosen path to early retirement.

Student loans, engagement rings, sketchy characters in your life, rainy-day fund; you name it, a little extra cash goes a long way. These picks are low-risk, high-reward with massive payout potential, but you probably have better odds of getting hit by lightning than winning. But the real winner is all you thrill-seekers looking for an alternative to witnessing your portfolio crash with the market next fiscal quarter.

That’s where I come in – your Jordan Belfort, your Captain Ahab. Welcome to the show; now let’s make some money and enjoy watching football while we do it.

For the record, I started this blog with six picks and that quickly escalated because I love this board and want to watch every game this weekend knowing it can mean the difference between being rich or not going out to lunch one day this week.

Pick #1: Iowa State @ Texas (Spread: +/-16.5 O/U: 48.5)

I’m taking Texas -16.5 all day! Will I go with the typical trope and say, “Texas is back”? NOPE, but I do think this team has some moxie and swagger, especially coming off of last week’s domination over Oklahoma (49-0). Sarkisian has this team ready to play like an Alabama-esque squad, even though they aren’t. Do I think they are playoff caliber? No, again, but they can surely hang some points on a terrible Iowa State team at home.

With that said, I’m taking the Over as well. I think this team can do it on their own, and they should! Teams that manage to “Thanos overs” on their own, in a big game, should surely do it against a much weaker opponent. If they don’t, that’s when they are dead to me forever, or until I find a favorable betting line for them in the coming weeks. I’m willing to sacrifice my pettiness for those who rely on my picks.

Texas staring down a 48.5 point total on Saturday:

Pick #2: Kansas @ Oklahoma (Spread: +/-9 O/U: 62.5)

I’m taking Kansas +9 all day! Kansas is having a historic season and I don’t mean from a performance standpoint, because there is nothing super exciting about their play. It’s just better than what it usually is every year, which makes it historic in the eyes of Kansas fans. Once this season ends, it will be all but forgotten, but that’s okay because, if they cover, I’ll remember them forever.

Now, you might say that taking a fairly “novice” Kansas team in Norman is dumb, but Oklahoma has given up. If you did not watch the Red River Showdown, or whatever it is called, then you won’t understand this, but Oklahoma quit. In what might be the most important game of the regular season for the Sooners, the Longhorns genuinely had their way with their fell. It was pathetic. It’s time for Oklahoma to remove the “play like a champion” signs they ripped off of Notre Dame and find something else to motivate them, because that ain’t it.

Again, Kansas +9, but I’d stay away from the over and life’s too short to bet the under. Rooting for an under is like rooting for Thursday Night NFL games to continue the streak of low scoring. No one wants to watch a low scoring game, so don’t bet the under.

Auburn @ Ole Miss (Spread: +/-15 O/U: 55)

I’m taking Ole Miss -15. This seems like a no-brainer if you ask me. Lane Kiffin doesn’t lose games that he is not supposed to lose, if that makes sense. The guy is a creative offensive mind that is capable of putting up points in stunning fashion when needed, like during last week’s game where they struggled against Vanderbilt and then blew up in the second half for 35 points. Those words would usually lead to a follow-up of me taking the over but… Auburn stinks.

Against SEC opponents, Auburn has scored 17 points at the most. Again, bad. To be honest, I have no idea who is coaching this team and I won’t waste my time looking it up because he’ll be gone after this year. If there’s a way to bet on them firing their coach, though, tweet @ me because I’ll bet my mortgage on those odds. Long story short, Ole Miss is good but not good enough to carry this game to 55 points.

I’m going to rapid fire these next few but all are sure-fire picks that you should take even without my expert analysis:

Penn State @ Michigan (Spread: +/-7 O/U: 50.5)

Penn State +7 and the Over! Not much to say here. Michigan sucks and they’ve played nobody. They deserved to fall to Maryland and Indiana, which is why I think the bell tolls for them this weekend. I hate this team, and they are overrated AF. Bet Penn State, who is hungry for a big win and has the better fanbase, which just makes them more fun to root for and put my money on. Both offenses are good and I expect them to light up the tiny scoreboard at the Big House.

Alabama @ Tennessee (Spread: +/-7 O/U: 66)

I’m taking Tennessee +7. I don’t like the over in this game because I think it can easily be low-scoring, especially if Bryce Young is out again but, make no mistake, I think Tennessee will put on a show, especially at home. Tennessee is like Texas. Neither team is back, but they have some swagger and moxie, which might not mean much to some people but, for me, it’s what makes teams perform in big-time situations like the one Tennessee faces this Saturday. Saban IS HIM, so I trust him to pull it out in the end like he always does, but if a blind Jimbo Fisher can keep it close (blog to come on why I think Jimbo Fisher is blind), then Tennessee can surely do the same. Go Rocky Top.

Oklahoma State @ TCU (Spread: +/-4 O/U: 68.5)

I’m taking Oklahoma State +4. I made the Cowboys my nemesis after Week One when they cost me my first parlay of the season by letting up 22 points in the fourth quarter against Central Michigan. I promised that if I every saw Mike Gundy, I’d punch him in his face or give him a good haircut since he seems set on keeping his fade messed up. Anything I could do to make him suffer.

However, it seems I’m back rooting for the Cowboys because TCU is overrated. Oklahoma State has a solid offense that will surely put up points against a weak Horned Frog defense. TCU is also a high-scoring team, but I think the more talented Cowboys will ultimately wear them down over time and prevent this from being a shootout. Bet the Over if you want, but 68.5 is a crap load of points. I’d bet the Over if it was 69, though.

LSU @ Florida (Spread: +/-2.5 O/U: 50.5)

Let me preface this pick with the following statement: I hate Brian Kelly. Dude is a total jerk and doesn’t deserve to be a head coach, and LSU fans don’t deserve to have a hack like him representing their program – Sincerely, a Notre Dame fan. Now that I got that off my chest, I’m taking Florida -2.5 because SCREW YOU, BRIAN KELLY!! I don’t need to justify this pick anymore than that, but I will for those that want it.

In the Swamp, a coach like Kelly can’t get his team to rise to the occasion. I believe the LSU players are talented and deserve to be successful, but that short, fat man with the red face will not be the person to ensure that success. I’ve watched Brian Kelly for years, so I know what he brings to the table and he always flounders. His first trip to the Swamp will be a very on-brand game for good ole’ BK. Go Gators.

Grand Total & Betting Odds

With these nine picks, you’re going off at +27923 (according to the Barstool Sportsbook App). If that means nothing to you, then just know that a $100 bet wins you $28,022. Now, this is meant to be low-risk, high-reward betting so a mere $10, or 2-3 PBRs, or 2 Miller High Lifes, could result in $2,802. You might not be paying off college, but you’re stacking cash and, if you continue to bet the Pay-Off College Parlay, then you won’t need Biden’s loan forgiveness, so be a good American and bet the parlay. If you win, pay it forward and Venmo me. Happy betting and Go Irish.

Also, going forward, I will include screenshots of me betting this parlay. Since I live in Georgia and the local government refuses to read my letters and legalize gambling, I have to make the trek up to Chattanooga, Tennessee to place my picks. Make no mistake, though. I ride for this parlay – literally.