Out of school and unemployed, eventually, my career as a DoorDash driver and reckless college basketball gambler isn’t going to cut it.
Luckily, Penn State University has a wide range of opportunities for those on the job hunt.
Before You Continue Reading
Before you go any further, I might say some things later on deemed detrimental to my chances of landing these jobs. This is the trust tree; if you are the NCAA, the police, or the Penn State athletics hiring department, please log off.
First things first, I have none of the experience required for any of these jobs. But that isn’t much different than most jobs I’m applying for at this point.
However, I think I bring something new to the table. While my three years in youth coaching covered none of the above-listed sports, I’d say I have a more-than-basic knowledge in most athletic competitions, expert in some.
In the best interest of honesty, I’m pulling hard for the men’s basketball gig. I could feasibly do enough “coaching” to survive for a little while.
Telling some of the best athletes in the world to keep doing their thing can’t be that difficult, right? Just have them do layup lines and break a clipboard over my knees every once in a while. Maybe do that thing where coaches blow their whistle multiple times in a row, each whistle getting slower and quieter than the others to voice my displeasure.
I am a big proponent of looking the part rather than doing the part. With all the college basketball that I watch, I can for a fact assure you that I would dress the best out of any of these coaches.
When I come out in an all-white suit and my players start doing the Haka that I forced them to learn, consider the mental game our first victory of the day.
This goes for all the sports I applied for as well. Cross Country? White suit and Haka, no exceptions.
By the way, being a Cross Country coach has to be the easiest job in the world.
“Alright team, let’s go run into the woods and follow the designated path to the finish line.”
Anyway, I am very glad that Penn State posted coaching vacancies to Glassdoor. My promise to the Penn State program(s) is that my NCAA violations won’t leave a trace… to me. Whatever poor bastard takes the job as my assistant coach has a rude awakening on its way. I’ll be dead and buried before they topple my statue for the recruiting violations, steroid usage and referee payments.
If you ignored the previous alert, it’s a prank, and I totally won’t cheat to win. Also, you are out of the trust tree.