If you’re a State Penn,,, I mean Penn State fan, you probably see two 5-star recruits, four 4-star recruits before noon on early signing day and think you’re off to a good start. If you’re a Penn State fan, you probably also think Paterno and Sandusky were innocent, and nothing will ever change your mind about anything so you’ll go to bed tonight thinking signing day was a success.

I’m here to tell you that all PSU fans are wrong.

It appears James Franklin has an obsession with fast, skill position players who aren’t really proven on the football field. With Penn State’s history of running from the law, it makes you think.

We’ll start with Micah Parsons. He is not exactly a traditional skill position player at DE, but definitely more of a skill position than an interior lineman or linebacker. How he got a 5 star ranking is beyond me. A total of 55 tackles and 9 sacks in a high school season? That’s less than 5 tackles and less than one sack per game IN HIGH SCHOOL. He’s about to move into a power 5 conference. Parsons has speed, there’s no doubt about that, but that’s really it. Expect to see his speed combined with his lack of football talent translate into over pursuit of ball carriers and missed tackles. There are people arguing he might be the best DE in the class, which is outrageous considering Xavier Thomas is in this class. Xavier Thomas is verified on Twitter and Micah Parsons is not. Enough said.

Justin Shorter. This man is listed as 6’4 200 pounds. He went to South Brunswick High School, the town over from me. He is no bigger than 6’2 190. We’ll knock a star off for that lie alone. His last name is literally Shorter, so the lie about his height shouldn’t be a surprise. Shorter is another PSU commit who has fantastic speed that never translated to football success. In his below average football conference in NJ, there are kids who accumulated over 2000 all-purpose yards in a season who are struggling to find D3 schools that will let them play. Shorter never averaged more than 1000 in a season. This is just another fast player who won’t have the talent to compete in the P5. Maybe he’ll switch to track, I don’t know.

Some people are saying Ricky Slade will be one of the top RB’s in the class. Let’s debunk this myth. Unlike the other top commits PSU had today, Ricky actually does have an impressive football resume. 9 yards per carry in a varsity career is no joke. But thinking a 5’9 180 pound man will carry that into the Big 10 is a joke. “BUT ETIENNE IS ONLY 5’10 CLEMSON CARL!!!” He’s also 205 pounds and will run right over you. He has incredible speed but doesn’t rely on it. Slade barely got touched in HS, so Big 10 football will be like a new sport to him. PSU fans can expect this kid to be redshirted in hopes that he puts some size on, just don’t get your hopes too high. If anything, he’ll feast on the crappy teams scheduled in the beginning of the season, then shit the bed as soon as he plays real talent like Barkley did this year.

The rest of the class so far is comprised of some big slow linemen and linebackers. The linemen should pan out, I’ll give PSU that. The lack of speed on O-line won’t matter too much, and they have enough speed on the edges to give up a little at D-line too. The linebackers MAY pan out in the Big 10, but that’s all I can give them. There’s not a single one of them that runs a sub 5.0 40 yard dash, and all but one are above 5.2 seconds. You might be able to get by in a run-dominant Big 10 with those stats, but this is why Big 10 teams are starting to fall behind in the CFP and other bowls. A big, fast tight end eats those type of linebackers up in the big games. In today’s game, to compete on a national level, the entire defensive secondary needs speed. You can’t just have a bunch of big dopes that likes to plug up holes anymore. Unfortunately, that’s all this class has for PSU at the position, and so it is absolutely nothing to be excited for.

The only other big commit today is a kicker named Jake Pinegar. I know nothing about him, but all I have to say about Penn State getting a commitment from a kicker is Quinn Nordin. Better have 3 other kickers lined up because they seem to be the only position that GTFO’s of PSU after being exposed to the Kool-Aid.

Perhaps the biggest news for Penn State on signing day is a player who chose to sign elsewhere. You won’t hear much about this guy because of Penn State’s experience in covering things up. Up until yesterday, Franklin thought he had him. But this morning Antwan Reed signed with Western Michigan… you heard me. WESTERN MICHIGAN. Good ol’ directional Michigan. I’m a huge MAC guy, everyone knows that. I love the guys fighting to prove they always had the talent to play in a P5 but never had the exposure in HS. I love the MAC even more now knowing that on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, or Thursdays in November I’ll get to see a guy playing who said “Nah I’m not going near those Sandusky semen-filled showers at PSU, I don’t care if they’re P5. I’m taking my talents to Western Michigan.”

And that wraps up a very mediocre day that you’ll hear Penn State fans brag about for the next 10 months, until they’re proven wrong on the field next season once again.