President of the NCAA, Mark Emmert, released a statement regarding the many allegations and FBI probes against NCAA issues. While the sentiment was good, his past and general sliminess are not. If I had power over him or a working relationship with him at all, this is what I would say:
Hey, Mark, I took a look at your statement. While you seem pretty good at using M.B.A. jargon to obfuscate issues, I’m not quite sure that you understand what’s going on here, or how exactly to fix it. I know nothing quite grinds your gears like someone paying the players, so I don’t want you overreacting and issuing a poor statement. We’ll find those agents; the important thing is to make sure everybody understands: nobody exploits the players for personal gain except you and your colleagues.
Now, let’s take a look at your work, and see if we can clarify the message.
“These allegations, if true, point to systematic failures that must be fixed and fixed now if we want college sports in America.”
That’s interesting, Mark. There is absolutely a systematic failure, and it was even pointed out by a man who I’m sure is your hero. Walter Byers’ analogy to your organization as the neo-plantation would be a good metaphor to use here–allusions to former leaders are always good! Also, I’m not sure kids getting paid for being good at basketball is quite so dramatic. But, if you’re trying to give us an air of Tarantino-esque drama, you’re doing a good job. Let’s tone it down for the final draft, though. Maybe use some lighter language. We all know college sports in America will never go away; it pays your massive salary. Oh, Mark, you’re such a card.
“People who engage in this kind of behavior have no place in college sports.”
I’m beginning to think that you may be openly opinionated. By “this kind of behavior,” do you mean trying to provide for kids that are being systematically exploited by major institutions under the guise of an antiquated definition of a certain phrase? I know we’re staying away from “the A-word” as of late, but you might be taking this a step farther than you should. Regardless, try to clarify your point a little bit here. Everybody knows all of these issues would almost immediately go away if you and the country club would finally just pay the players.
“They are an affront to all those who play by the rules.”
Okay, now we’re making some progress, Mark! I’m hesitant to fully embrace this, though. I mean, if earning a diploma and not being paid is so important, where was this fervor when the school in Chapel Hill was handing out diplomas? I’m just confused on your priorities here. What’s the real root of the problem? Are you worried about cheating? Because it seems like you really just care about poor kids getting paid for their services. We all know your organization is the only one allowed to exploit kids, but try to clarify in the next draft.
“With these latest allegations, it’s clear this work is more important now than ever.”
Mark, I’d just like to take a moment to say how proud I am. You’ve really been making progress, and it’s beginning to show in your writing. You’re absolutely correct, the work of providing for these kids is more important than ever! Standing up for the people who are paid a pittance, while corporations make billions off their athletic play has never been more important. Escalating inequality in American life is a common theme, and it’s good you’re able to incorporate this into your writing.
“The Board and I are completely committed to making transformational changes to the game and ensuring all involved in college basketball do so with integrity.”
I love this sentence, Mark. It’s poignant, cuts straight to the meat of the issue, and really highlights how important it is to have integrity when dealing with the exploitation of 17-year old kids. It’s a tough topic, and we can’t fault them for wanting to get paid for their work to provide for their families. The reverence you’re giving this problem is awesome. Let’s figure out a way to clean this up, and stop exploiting kids for the benefit of Fortune 500 companies. An easy solution that comes to mind is paying the kids!
“We also will continue to cooperate with the efforts of federal prosecutors to identify and punish the unscrupulous parties seeking to exploit the system through criminal acts.”
Cooperating with federal prosecutors is a great way to end this statement. All of this corruption and fraud cannot seep into college sports and negatively affect the kids, and we need to get all of this above board. They’re already being manipulated and exploited enough, without throwing agents into the mix.
I hope these edits help, maybe we can get a final draft out of this in the next 24 hours. Thanks for the email; I know sounding sincere and altruistic is tough for someone as robotic as you, but we’re making progress. I like the statement, Mark. Just polish it up, make it a little less angry, and I think we’re ready to publish!
