Alright so I have good news and bad news.

The good news is its March. This means the greatest playoffs in the world are live and with them, sports gambling will run rampant through schools, friend groups and even your family home thanks to the wonders of bracket pools. At ten bucks a bracket, you will follow teams you hardly knew existed with players that you only know anything about because Jay Bilas said something about their defensive ability or their mom and you were like, “Oh my god! He’s just like me! Go Murray State!!”

The bad news is that every single one of you will be wrong. Those of you that know basketball will probably be the most wrong out of everyone. I like to think I’m well versed in the college game and I am in the elite group of losing my champion in the first round in two separate years (Mizzou the year they lost to Norfolk State and Michigan State against the Middle Tennessee Giddy Pottses).

There are a couple important things to keep in mind because of this. 1) Don’t let that super exciting cinderella team that put up 30 points in the first round get you down, listen to my colleague Frank, who says to embrace the madness of March. 2) Stop trying to convince yourself you know anything about bracketology or creating a bracket or picking winners or seeing the future or understanding March. Just stop. Use the energy it takes to do that to convince yourself to not send those errant drunk snapchats at 3 in the morning to girls you haven’t talked to in 5 months instead.

That is the list of my eight brackets. And while I also do not have any idea what to do or any facts about anything, I am embracing that. I have found a general structure that has successfully turned off my ego and also made the bracket selection what it is supposed to be: fun. There are three categories of selection and two of them, you have no power over. You need to be able to relinquish power, but the result is pure, unadulterated joy.

Your choices

From the picture above, this is Charissa Thompson’s nudes, first glance and owls 2018 NIT champs.

First glance is what it sounds like and it is a very important bracket. This is when the bracket first comes out and you look and just go with your gut. Once the bracket drops, pick what you feel on your first instinct.

From there, make picks with more thought. In my case, this is Charissa Thompson’s nudes and 2018 NIT champs. Put some thought into it. Take your time. Try to be right (you won’t be).

Disclaimer: these are the picks that will get you upset when (note, not if) they are wrong. These are your babies. These are the ones you simply don’t have to take that seriously. Trust yourself, but don’t get down when (again, not if) your picks lose.

Completely bullshit categorical selection

This is where to have your fun. Your winners will not make sense, upsets will abound, but it’s just fun as hell. My standards that I do year in year out are mascots and colors. UNC wins the color bracket every year. Stephen F. Austin often wins the mascot bracket. This year, I also picked one based on the length of a school’s name, but the point here is to get creative. Get a turtle to make your picks. Flip a coin. Assign each team in the matchup to one of your balls, throw a cotton ball up in the air, and whatever ball it lands on, pick that team (I’m stretching, but you get the point. Think outside of the box). Point is, have some fun.

Somewhat logical categorical selection

The bottom two are what I did for this.

RPI is exactly what it sounds like. In every matchup, simply choose the team that has a higher RPI. I decided to do this (even though I believe RPI is really complete bullshit) because the committee still very obviously regards RPI in a fairly positive light. So I decided to do an experimental bracket based on this qualification from the men behind the curtain. As you may expect, the bracket comes out to relative chalk. The Final Four is all one seeds and the only “upsets” are Alabama over VA Tech, Bonnie’s over Florida, Kentucky over Zona, OSU over Gonzaga, and Clemson over Auburn. Not very exciting.

Records is much more interesting. Also very self-explanatory: just pick the team with the better record in each matchup. If there is a tie, go to conference records. And don’t give me the “But… but… conferences don’t match up with each other.” This isn’t about arguing, it’s about ease of selection. If you’re interested in the whole bracket, here it is. The Final Four is less chalky, with only two one seeds (Virginia and Nova), but upsets are much more prevalent. For example, New Mexico State becomes an Elite Eight team. Same with Murray State. And Loyola Chicago. All of which work wonders for my prediction of mid majors in the Sweet Sixteen, so I like this one, personally.