*Mel Kiper Voice* TODD TODD TODD TODD TODD TODD
Ladies and Gents, it is officially NFL Draft season, and with it comes the 8th wonder of the world: The Wonderlic Test. This is a cognitive ability test that is given out to the attending players at the NFL Combine and is graded on a Scale of 1-50. How simple questions such as finding out how much notebook paper cost or how many times nine can go into 25936 relates to the NFL is a mystery, but no one really cares.
So, with the combine just about to kick off, I decided to ask some of our writers to take this test and send in their scores. They had 12 minutes to do 50 questions and were not allowed to use a calculator on the test. I took it as well, and you can too. Now, the boys sent me in their scores and I have decided to do a little comparison by using their score and their oh so wonderful personalities to give each of them a NFL Player doppelgänger of sorts. I can’t wait for the reactions from them on why they got one player instead of another guy. Shouldn’t lead to any pointless fights or arguments.
The Scores:
Andy Jones: 42
Clemson Carl: 42
Anthony Ventura: 43
PJ Guippone: 38
Frank Fanelli: 2 (He didn’t know it was timed and has the attention span of a squirrel)
Cody Goggin: “I’ll Let You Ladies Know When I Get A 50 Later”….Well, he never sent in a score so I’m giving him a 24
Andddddd that’s it. Nobody else decided to do it or even bat an eye at my message about it. Everyone was scared about some easy math and hard thinking, I guess. But joke’s on them, because now we all have official Wonderlic Scores on record and, when NFL teams come knocking, we will be the first six to step up to the Noise. If this whole writing career doesn’t work out, we could make a great Longest Yard team. Now, let’s get to the comparisons…
Andy Jones
Score:42
Comparison: Blane Gabbert
Gabbert was a horrible backup QB, and I’d like to imagine that if I actually decided to play college football, I’d be a fairly decent clipboard boy. I do not have the flow like him but, after seeing him throw in the NFL, I feel like I could possibly beat him on a good day.
Clemson Carl
Score:42
Comparison: Charlie Whitehurst
I mean come on, they basically look like distant cousins, or at least brothers if you squint a little bit. I did try finding some Rutgers players in the NFL, but I couldn’t go back to the 1940’s sooooo… Also, three rounds in a boxing ring, I’m betting my house on Carl against this awful long-haired back-up.
Anthony Ventura
Score: 43
Comparison: Drew Henson
Anthony tested the highest and I easily could have slapped him with a Harvard or Princeton player, who both hold the highest test scores with a 49 and a 50. But, because I’m such a good friend to Anthony, I gave him a Michigan QB. And not even a good one at that. Go Buckeyes.
PJ Guippone
Score: 38
Comparison: Carson Wentz
Grit, Philly, and Swag. This is all.
Frank Fanelli
Score: 2 (I gave him pity points for an attempt)
Comparison: An Actual Buckeye
Nobody has a score this low on the test. I think you get 5 points just for putting your name down in the right area. So ditto Frank, you’re now one-up by a Worthless Nut. We’re all very proud.
Cody Goggin
Score:18 (Long story, but add up Draft Picks from Marcus Peters Trade and subtract 6 for the trade they gave away)
Comparison: Paxton Lynch
Both look like cool dudes to just sit back and have conversations with. Also, both do not have any clue about their NFL team’s QB situation and, as a Chargers fan, I love every minute of it.
So, that’ll do it for the 1st annual Student Union Wonderlic Test. Check back soon to see if I can possibly persuade these guys to do 40 times or maybe even hand size measurements.