Ahh….Don’t you just love College Football in October? The air is starting to get a little crisper and fridges are starting to fill up with Sam Adams Octoberfest (or Angry Orchard if you are a hipster). Aside, from the beer, my favorite part of this time of year is hanging out with my friends and throwing the football around on College Football Saturdays.
However, this past weekend turned into a little bit more then a relaxed day of tossing around the pig skin. Instead, my friends and I decided to play some good old backyard football just like we did in middle school. Only difference is that we are now all in our 20’s and far past our athletic prime. I was obviously the best player out there by a mile. Weighing in at 155 pounds, 5 feet, 10 inches, I consider myself one of the most dominant slot receivers in the neighborhood. Some liken me to Julian Edelman, a fair comparison I’d say.
So with backyard football fresh in my mind, I got to thinking about how some of our favorite College Football legends would adapt to the intense world of backyard football. I have put together a roster of players I believe would run the show in the world of backyard football.
Before I introduce you to my team, let’s lay a couple ground rules.
-The roster will consist of 5 players, but remember, each player would have to play both offense and defense as we did when we were kids.
-The game’s will be played with playground style rules, so 4 down football with no field goals.
-Defensive players have to count to 5 Mississippi before they can blitz and teams are only allowed one rushing play per four downs.
-Two completed passes over five yards equals a first down and punts are allowed but highly frowned upon.
-Also fuck two-hand touch, real gamers play full contact football. Before I throw out my roster, I want you to remember this one thing; Backyard football is not a game of skill, it is a game of ego, personality, and trash talk. With that in mind, I decided to draft a team based on the spirit of backyard football. So let’s get into my team!
Jared Lorenzen: QB/Nose Guard/Linebacker
Jared is basically the professional equivalent of that one oversized neighbor kid that no one could ever tackle or stop. Standing at 6 feet, 4 inches and weighing in at 320 pounds, the left handed Quarterback from Kentucky is hands down one of my favorite players to ever play the game of football. The Hefty Lefty (as they call him) is 320 pounds of pure athleticism; dude is deceptively fast and only throws fucking bullets. He had a solid NFL career with the New York Giants and even won a Super Bowl ring as a back up under Eli Manning.
However after his time in the NFL, The Pillsbury Throw Boy took his talents to indoor football and absolutely dominated. As far as defense goes, Nose Guard is the obvious choice…good luck getting by the Abominable Throw Man’s big ass. The NFL might not have worked out, but this man is the ultimate backyard football athlete. If you don’t believe the hype, check out his indoor highlights below and watch big #22 do his thing. #FranchisePlayer
Total Gamer
Dude also has fucking jets, and good luck tackling him in the open field without shattering your clavicle.
Oh and of course the Hefty Lefty can still bomb the fuck out of the pig skin! Made the All-Backyard squad easy.
Danny Woodhead: RB(Speed Back)/CB
Danny Woodhead would no doubt be that try hard asshole everyone hates to play against. Definitely out their going 100 percent on every play, no matter how casual the game is. I would also vote Danny most likely to be that dick head who shows up wearing receiver gloves to a backyard pick up game. But with all that being said, that’s a very valuable mentality to have on the team. If you aren’t familiar with Woodhead’s college career, you should know that he might have been the best division 2 football player to ever play. Danny boy currently owns two division two MVP awards, the record for division 2 rushing yards, as well as over 7000 recorded all-purpose yards. If you need a refresher, check out his highlights below, that midget can fucking play.
Would definitely take backyard football way to seriously….but hey the man is a winner(also prayers for his ACL).
LeGarrette Blount: RB/Linebacker
In my opinion LeGarrette Blount is very similar to that one kid everyones parents told you not to hang out with because they felt like he was a bad influence on you. And in the case of Blount they probably aren’t wrong… the man is hell on wheels. But sometimes thats the x-factor you need on a backyard football team. It keeps everyone on their toes if they know they are always potentially one wrong move away from getting punched in the face.
Crazy is always good, but our parents might be right about the bad influence thing…..Just ask Le’veon Bell about that time he got busted smoking the reefer with LG Blount. But regardless of how sketchy he is, he always gets the backyard football invite because he’s too good of a player to play without.
Jordan Shipley:WR/CB
Jordan Shipley 100 percent reminds me of that annoying neighbor kid that no one liked…but never the less always got the call to play in order to have enough numbers to play a full game. No one minds to much because he’s an athletic kid, but things would definitely always get awkward when he asked to hang out after the game was over. God forbid you slip up and invite him to hang out afterwards, other wise he might start to grow overly attached. Hell, Shipley’s last real friend was Colt McCcoy and he wrote a whole damn song about him.
Hilarious Jordan…fucking hilarious. Life of the party.
D.J. Swearinger: Safety/WR
This pick was a no brainer for me. One of the most important factors of backyard football is intimidation… and good fucking lord is DJ SWAG intimidating. If we had to label DJ, he’d have to be that one guy who tackles way too fucking hard. Like man we are out here playing a casual game of back yard football and you are straight decapitating mother fuckers. My only advice to you is that if you hear DJ’s footsteps, you better drop that fucking ball before you get massacred.
15 yards well worth it…..
Head Coach: Steve “Stingray” Ray
And of course what would a team be with out a coach. Someones gotta keep these all star players on top of their game and I think Stingray is just the man for the job. I have never in my life seen a man put more enthusiasm into the sport of football then my man Stingray Steve and his raw energy is the final piece of the puzzle. If you aren’t familiar with Steve Ray’s work you are missing out on quality sports broadcasting, the man really knows his stuff and I learn something new every appearance he makes. Follow him on twitter @StevenRay28 to stay up to date with his content. Also watch the video below and you will fully understand the immense amount of raw enthusiasm Coach Stingray can bring to the table!
But that wraps up The Flexbone for today, I hope you enjoyed my back yard football picks! If you have any other suggestions, tweet them to me @LiamSmith0