Today, USA Today came out with their annual report of college basketball coaches’ salaries. And as usual, the list is filled with some noteworthy numbers that could either be salaries or distances between certain stars in outer space. With Pitino and his astronomical Adidas endorsement gone, Coach K rings in at number one with a close to $9 million annual salary. Chris Holtmann is number three. Jay Wright and Roy Williams are both more undervalued than good toilet paper.

Probably more asinine than anything on the list is the buyouts. Brad Underwood, Mark Turgeon, Will Wade and Fran McCaffery all have buyouts north of $10 million. the highest on the list is John Calipari, with a total buyout of a whopping $30,000,000 (million). Talk about job security. You think Kentucky would ever fire this dude with those eight digits looming over their heads? Sounds doubtful to me. I honestly think Cal’s job might be the most secure, steady thing on the planet, and this is only locked in by this absurd buyout level, which is nearly $10 million more than the next highest. I’ll leave death and taxes out of this, but not a lot of other things are more locked in than Cal in his current position.

• UCLA’s Thomas Welsh, by my estimation, is a career 99.9% shooter from the baseline when he is 12-15 feet from the basket. Cal’s job security is far more solid than this.
• Have you ever seen The Untouchables? If not, you need to yesterday. It’s about the team that finally arrested the notorious gangster Al Capone. Since he was so slippery and had such a large circle, they had to bring him in on charges of tax evasion. The movie is really good and the case is very solid, but not anywhere near as solid as John Calipari’s job.
• John Calipari’s recruiting classes are less solid than his job security. Even the one with Boogie and John Wall, and the one with KAT and Booker.
• I don’t know much about the national armory, but I do know a few people have broken into it (see John Brown, who is an absolute baller). With this limited information, I think it’s fair to say that Cal’s job is more secure.
• My love affair with South Park was brief. It started far after most kids my age (the beginning of this year) and ended faster than anyone ever (I’m already sick of it because one of my roommates watches it on our living room TV every second he isn’t in class). But, one episode I laugh at every time is the scientology episode when Tom Cruise is trapped in the closet the whole time. I bring this up because John Calipari’s job is more secure than Tom Cruise’s sexuality.