In college hoops, there always seem to be a few guys that have found a way to have like seven extra years of eligibility. The best example of this is Perry Ellis. Ellis’ tenure at Kansas lasted from 1957-2016. For those of you doing math at home, that is a lot of fucking years. When his name was brought up today on Slack, there was even a “Perry Ellis still plays college hoops?!?” because it actually would have been believable if the answer was yes. An honorable mention for this award to be named after is JayVaughn Pinkston, who was not an undersized center when he started playing ball at Villanova in the sixties.

But he’s a distant second. You will notice that these guys have been staples of their teams since the second they were in the school. There isn’t going to be a name like Jock Landale on this list because who really gives a shit about St. Mary’s? These guys are starts on national programs. Also, oddly enough, they probably won’t have much of an NBA career. Here is the 2017-2018 Perry Ellis All-“Wait, what the fuck that guy is still in college?” First team.

G- Joel Berry II, North Carolina

Alright, confession time. This is the third consecutive season I have thought it is Joel Berry’s senior year. Following the final in which they lost to Nova (I got goosebumps writing that), I was reminded that he would return since the announcers talked about only Brice Johnson and Marcus Paige as guys being lost to graduation. Last season, I think it was mostly hope. Part of guys being around for too long is the fact they are there at all is too long. Berry is one of those guys. Now, following a championship, he looks to (finally) end his career at UNC as one of the most successful guards in their history. I’m still not sold, though. I won’t believe he’s actually graduated until the Heels play a game without him.

G- Grayson Allen, Duke

Grayson Allen was the fourth and forgotten five-star guy in the Jah/Tyus/Justise class. I think we kind of forget that because his existence meant nothing until the Sweet 16 when he finally got a chance to show off his absolutely electric athleticism. But, he is on this list for way more reasons than that, and almost none of them are good. He fit perfectly into the “that one white guy on Duke that literally everyone hates” slot that Coach K has penciled into his roster every year.

Ted Cruz is his doppelganger, which is quite possibly the worst person to look like ever. It’s like a combination of a muppet and dirty toilet paper. Also, he has the sideline composure of Odell Beckham Jr. without the dominant production of Beckham. I think everyone is just done with the narrative of Allen and tired of seeing him on the preseason All-America team every single year. Just go get drafted in the twenties and have a decent NBA career, already.

G- JeVon Carter, West Virginia

Jevon Carter has been around the block. Now in his twelfth year at West Virginia, basketball was his fallback. Before he joined Huggie’s defensive army, he was stopping crime instead of basketballs. His 40-year career in the police force ended in 2005 because an undercover sting operation went awry. In response, he decided to hide in plain sight and play college basketball. The NCAA altered its eligibility rules so it could become an alternate witness-protection option for Carter. Huggie Bear is happy to keep him around and do his best to convince the viewing public that this is still his Senior year.

Seriously though, look at the man. If you told me he was anywhere from 35 to 55, I’d be like “yep, sounds about right.”

G/F- Sviatoslav Mykhailiuk, Kansas

When Mykhailiuk (muh-KIE-luke) came to Kansas via Ukraine, the hype was undeniable. His shooting ability is otherworldly and his freshman year he was only 17. That gave Bill Self at least two years with him at minimum because of the NBA’s 19 age minimum rule. Now, he is a 20-year-old senior, and his career milestones are equivalent to zero. His shooting ability is still electric, which leads to a ton of in-game publicity, but maybe more than that is the in-game publicity due to the blatant disappointment he has been. Look out for yet another subpar season followed by a late second round draft selection and then a far-below-average NBA career that lasts one year at the most. Sorry I didn’t sugar coat this one, wasted potential is more depressing than dropping an ice cream cone right after you pay.

F- Bonzie Colson, Notre Dame

Bonzie Colson is my hero. My group chat with my best friends is called “Bonzie’s Boys.” We live text during every Notre Dame game and exclusively refer to Bonzie as “The Golden God” or “The Bonz.” Bonzie is an absolute savant on the basketball court. He is a 6’5″ center and he led the ACC in rebounding last year. This year, he leads the discussion for player of the year.

But, Notre Dame is a culture that thrives on “holy fuck that guy is still in college” guys. Think of last year’s squad. Both Steve Vasturia and VJ Beachem played for Notre Dame for like six or seven years. Then they had Matt Farrell and Bonz, who seemed the same way, but were only juniors. I gave the nod to the golden god, though, just because he is more important to Notre Dame basketball and basketball as a whole. Really if I’m being honest, he’s just important to the world not falling apart and people’s individual day-to-day happiness. We are all just Bonzie’s Boys.