Ryan Mullican

It’s late Saturday night on the East Coast in West Virginia. An unknown number from California rings the landline at Murray Energy Corp. It’s the Trojan great, and current USC AD, Lynn Swann on the line and he sounds frustrated. “Hey listen here, our hype train is all but dead. Won’t start. I’ve been hearing it’s a fundamental issue with some of the parts – but I have one of the best conductor’s in the game. He might even be piloting airplanes next year. He says we need more coal to keep the hype train going. The newspapers won’t perpetuate us any longer. I need you to send me all ya got.”

“Sir, I’m afraid we’re sold out. Sent the last of our coal to South Bend, Indiana. They needed about 4-8 tons of it. Said they’re steamrolling town to town, bulldozing and running over teams. Maybe next year.”

And that was this week’s edition of Corny Storybook Theatre…and why I write sports and not screenplays.

This week was tame, but certainly #notlame

Let’s get into it.

20. Memphis (NR)

I put on my blue suede shoes and I boarded the plane. The Tigers rolled into Houston looking a little #lame. In a 17-point hole at halftime, Memphis looked jet-lagged. Despite all that, they were able to overcome and win in a Thursday night affair. After all, when it’s on, it’s on. In a battle of AAC teams that had great coaches leave for greener pastures, this cat fight was still a dandy. Memphis looks like a legitimate threat to contend for the AAC. If you aren’t paying attention to what Riley Ferguson & Co. are doing, there are still plenty of opportunities to see the #AACtion. Expect Memphis to cruise through the rest of their schedule until that sneaky good championship game. Is it time to start thinking Power 6? It’s hard to say.

What We Learned: With this win, Memphis essentially won the West.

19. LSU (NR)

You can take Coach O outta the Bayou, but never the Bayou outta Coach O. Even when he was with Ole Miss, he was quoted to still be thinking about the LSU job. You may love or hate the impersonations, but one thing is clear. His players love playing for him. In an obvious revenge game, Derrius Guice said, “Coach O didn’t talk about it a lot, but we knew we had to pull it out for him,” and that they did. LSU threatened with not just Guice, which was refreshing. It took a while for the wheels to start turning, but when they did, they really did. LSU will have to take this new-found confidence into the Bama game, and they’ll need it.

What We Learned: Coach O can win emotional games. And knows how to sell a Hummer

…the parallels I could draw between Ole Miss and Hummer ooooh baby. Another day Ryan, another day.

18. West Virginia (NR)

Three teams moving into the Top 20? How could it be? Listen folks, I booted USC. So Trojan fans, sorry. This is just a Top 20 ranking by a random dude. Go swim in the ocean. Don’t get too upset. As for YOU Mountaineers: I think it’s time to talk to your kids about Will Grier and Dana Holgorsen. They almost did their best Dan Quinn impersonation, but they didn’t. I’ll be damned to find a better 0-7 team than Baylor.

Those kids don’t quit, but neither has West Virginia. Two losses to two top 15 teams. Look, for a rebuilding West Virginia team with a potluck buncha kids and some big play magic…they are going to ruin someone’s season. They may eliminate the Big 12 from the playoff. Forget #Pac12AfterDark and Big 10 smashmouth football. If you want week to week entertainment, smash that muffffuggin Big 12 button. Oklahoma State next. Watch out Cowboys.

What We Learned: WVU Offense, scrappy & good. WVU defense, scrappy & ehhhhh not as good. Baylor….maybe actually not complete trash?

17. UCF (20)

With more and more national attention on the sunny skies of Central Florida, it’s the Frost that keeps moving in. Scott Frost might be one of the hottest names in the coaching carousel talks these days, and for good reason. 0-12, to bowl bid, to 7-0 start? That just doesn’t happen. Recruiting in Florida helps, but competing against the U, FSU, and UF amongst others isn’t exactly easy. In a thriller in Annapolis, UCF had trouble pulling away until the 4th quarter – but got the job done.

What We Learned: You should join the Scott Frost bandwagon.

16. Auburn (18)

Bret Bielema was on the hot seat. We knew that, but people were calling for Malzahn’s job too. Finebaum even speculated he’ll be leaving for his Week 8 opponent, Arkansas, after the season ended. This is all a little TMZ-y and stuff to talk about during the week. But what did we see from Auburn? Offensive success, and more importantly offensive success in the second half. The Tigers exploded with 28 third quarter points, matching their best scoring quarter of the season. Safe to say they have learned their lesson for now.

What We Learned: Bret Bielema’s days are numbered. Gus Malzahn buys himself less scrutiny.

15. North Carolina State (16)

Who is this king of Tier 2 in the ACC? Despite being ranked one spot behind Virginia Tech, I think the Wolfpack carry the slight edge in the long run. Currently, they come in at a comfortable 15th. It’s kind of a crap shoot in the teens, but the Wolfpack looks strong.

What We Learned: Tuffy & Co. had a bye.

14. Virginia Tech (15)

The Hokies looked dominant against a depleted and depressing Tar Heel team. You have to think Chapel Hill is about ready for basketball to start. The Hokies however, continue to ride a promising season into the latter half of their schedule. Up next, weirdly fun Duke. The Blue Devils can cause turnovers and the Hokie O hasn’t seen a good defense, let alone a defense at all, since Clemson. Will be curious to see how the Hokies score in this one.

What We Learned: Blacksburg is beautiful this time of year / Josh Jackson is still better than we thought / Tar Heels pick up some FTBL class credits.

13. Washington (14)

Huskies needed that breather of a bye to press refresh. This team is well coached, so look for them to bounce back. Can they do it against a reeling Bruin team? Yeah they have a good shot. Even if Rosen is playing for draft stock and Mora his job – Huskies will take this.

What We Learned: #Pac12AroundLateAfternoon will be in full display this week. Huskies at 3:30!

12. Washington State (13)

Wazzu will have to be perfect on its way to the Apple Cup, and they showed they could rebound sufficiently against a Buff team that looks way different than they did a year ago. They say Arizona is a great place to retire. Cougs, don’t play it safe, this Arizona team is somehow still afloat, competing for the South and running the ball well. In an away environment, let’s look to see Wazzu take em on.

What We Learned : Cougars know how to power on.

11. Oklahoma State (10)

The Big 12 continues to impress. Even when the scores are low, I still think this is the deepest conference. Scuse me for livin’. Texas has something brewing. You can just tell the team play’s revitalized. Them Cowboys however, you’re lucky you’re good enough to win even when you’re caught sleeping.

What We Learned : Figure it out Ok State!! We believed in you! No doubt they will get back on track.

10. Wisconsin (9)

Badgers beat the Terps. By a lot. Someone wake me up when they do something cool. No but for real, I watched some of this game. Their defense looked good and Hornibrook looked very, very capable. Still think they could make a head scratching upset, but alas they won’t get the chance to until Indianapolis.

What We Learned : Watching a lefty QB on TV is weird. Wisconsin is steady. UA jerseys look good.

9. Notre Dame (12)

Wake up the echoes. Wake em up, wake em up, wake em up. USC is DEAD I tell you. Matt Leinhart and Reggie Bush ruined my 12th birthday with the Bush Push. 12 years later, how you like them apples. The Brandon #WimBushPush2thePlayoffs

What We Learned : The Fightin’ Irish can run the damn ball. And the grass wasn’t even kept long!

8. Clemson (8)

Talk about another team that needed a bye-week breather. The hype has settled down, and bad news for the rest of college football – Dabo Swinney’s teams play best when no one’s talking about them.

What We Learned : Kelly Bryant is going to play. Phew

7. Miami (7)

Weather or not the ‘Canes take chances, their defense will give them extra possessions. See what I did there. Yea look this was an ugly game. Syracuse does this to people. Weather does this to people. The past two weeks the ‘Canes have looked dicey. The only thing steady about Miami seems to be their ranking. With that being said there is always something to beating the opponents you should beat. Something Clemson could not do. Miami will face tests, but they get VT & Notre Dame at home. It could be worse. Now if they would just get some fans to the games!

What We Learned : This is a very well-coached team. Turnover chain stays king.

6. Oklahoma (5)

This time the defensive collapse came to start the game! I said Boomer Sooner or later they would drop an L due to this issue, but they narrowly escaped a Bill Synder special. Lincoln, do the right thing and reciprocate with a thank you note to the KStaters, because they did not have to hand you that game. Sure Baker came storming back, like Baker tends to do – but wow. This could have gotten ugly. I mean it was ugly, but this could have gotten fugly.

What We Learned: Okay maybe that Ohio State win in Columbus doesn’t also mean you can be a sketchy team and that Ohio State can look better than you.

5. Ohio State (6)

I previously gave value to Oklahoma’s head-to-head win over the Buckeyes. That was until the Sooners continue to tease me. And frankly, I’m tired of it. Give me a convincing win and Sooners you are right back in there. Unfortunately the Buckeyes have a chance at a marquee win this Saturday coming off a bye.

What We Learned : I learned Ohio State is still (-7) the home favorite. And this makes sense.

4. TCU (4)

Texas Christian looked DOMINANT. Like blood shooting from their eyes or whatever they do.

What We Learned : Gary Patterson is on a Buckeye-level warpath & Kansas is still booty.

3. Georgia (3)

Bulldogs were on bye. But it wasn’t as needed compared to some of the other Top 20’ers. The World’s Largest Cocktail Party is next in Jacksonville. The tailgate is almost as storied as the rivalry. These games have been odd recently. Expect more oddities, but expect the Bulldog defense to show up.

What We Learned : It’s hot tub season.

2. Alabama (1)

Okay this is me going through my rebellious phase. I’m sure they’ll be back to number one soon, but buck fama man. No look, the Tide rolled but it was ugly at times in the first half.

What We Learned : We already knew this…Saban makes really good adjustments. Butch Jones lives to see another day.

1. Penn State (2)

But know who didn’t have to make adjustments? Versus a team way better than Tennessee?

That’s right, it’s the Nittany Lions. We can talk about 2-6 all day. But boy did that defense look good. I mean hell, even though Michigan’s offense is mundane, they were limited.

What We Learned : Saturday is huge. As in pretty big…as in, all the marbles.

Enjoy Week 9. Let’s get it.