Happy Valentine’s Day! Whether you’re single or coupled up, it’s a holiday that you can’t ignore. Instead of giving you movie recs like I have in years past. Instead, I’m imagining what some of my favorite movie characters will be doing on this love filled holiday.
Andrew Neiman (Miles Teller) in Whiplash
Valentine’s Day for Andrew Neiman will be depressing. It’ll start with him going to an early movie with his dad, who’s also single. They’ll split popcorn littered with raisinets and once the movie concludes, they’ll exchange a limp hug and Neiman will go back to his room. At this point, Neiman will alternate between two things: making his hands bleed while drumming like a maniac and staring at his phone debating if he should call Nicole. He won’t call Nicole. He will drum late into the evening until he grabs ice and a pitcher of water to sooth the pain. At this point, I imagine Neiman climbing into bed with Buddy Rich playing in his headphones.
Louden Swain (Matthew Modine) in Vision Quest
Sorry, Carla, but it’s wrestling season. It’s the Friday night before a wrestling tournament and after a hard practice where Louden is still two pounds overweight, he has to go work at the hotel and deliver room service to lovers. After that, not only is he going to be tired, but he’s going to run home, jump rope, and do whatever else he needs to do to shed those final two pounds before the tournament. Once wrestling season ends, Louden will take Carla on some dates around the Spokane area to make it up to her, but a Valentines Day date is surely off the table.
Peter Gibbons (Ron Livingston) in Office Space
If this were pre-Joanna, then Peter would have a relaxing Valentine’s Day. Him, Michael, and Samir would grab a 30 rack of beer and play some poker while talking about how much of a dickhead Bill Lumbergh is. Peter with Joanna would also have a quiet, relaxing Valentine’s Day. The two of them would get takeout (not from Chotskie’s) and watch kung-fu movies. If we’re being honest, that sounds pretty sweet. The one issue is it’ll feel like a strange date with Lawrence chiming in every so often from next door. Aside from that, either plan sounds like a solid Valentine’s Day.
Lou Bloom (Jake Gyllenhaal) in Nightcrawler
No one, and I mean no one is more excited for Valentine’s Day than Lou Bloom. It’s not because he’s excited to potentially blow the bottom out of Nina Romina, but he knows that couples will be getting liquored up at fancy restaurants. Them getting liquored up could and will lead to horrific car crashes. All night, Bloom will wait by the scanners in order to get these fiery wrecks on tape to cash in. His soulless look behind a camera will be the last thing a young, loving couple will see. And at the end of the day, this won’t effect Bloom a bit.
Brooke Cardinas (Greta Gerwig) in Mistress America
Noah Baumbach has written annoying, unbearable characters over his career: John and Cornelia Schrebnick in While We’re Young, Roger Greenberg in Greenberg, ect. One of the characters that’s written in a way that should play as annoying and unbearable, but somehow doesn’t is Brooke Cardinas in Mistress America. Sure, she’s self centered and narcissistic, but she’s likable. With that being said, we’re going to see Brooke at her most self centered and most narcissistic on Valentine’s night. She’ll get dolled up, goto a nice restaurant that has a bar, and make eyes at guys who are with their significant others and speak loudly about her latest business venture that will inevitably be a dead end. With each drink, her voice will carry more and more and she’ll go back to her apartment alone.
William Tell (Oscar Isaac) in The Card Counter
William Tell doesn’t know it’s Valentine’s Day. However, he does know it’s February 14th because he’s playing in a weekend long poker tournament in Atlantic City. He’s going to bet low and win medium, make no noise, and take second taking home a modest $60,000 while having violent flashbacks to his time torturing people to death at Abu Ghraib. Valentine’s Day for Tell isn’t ignored by Tell because it’s a Hallmark Holiday. He’s just so numb from his time in the service and then prison that he’s channeling his lone outlet: gambling. It’ll dawn on him when he sees a couple toast champagne at the bar, but this holiday will pass like a ship in the night for William Tell.