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Why Texas Can’t Have Nice Things

Andy Jones

Tom “The Crazy Hip Uncle” Herman. Bringing his swagger and all that jazz over to Austin to help bring back Texas. Well, spoiler alert:

Texas is not back…

They have had improvement in the past few years, by winning a few games, but we all remember the greatest game ever played by UT and I’m not talking about the 2006 Rose Bowl…

You hate to see it folks. A “Dominant” team in Texas losing to a Basketball school. Just devastating. Well, Texas is back at it, by putting out this tweet on a Friday during the most cold and depressing part of summer, the Offseason:

Watch out world, Texas is coming for ya with the Coldest Lids in the game…All white with a big ole’ orange longhorn slapped onto the side. So dope and fresh, right Coach Herman? Those lids have taken more L’s than Rihanna writing out the lyrics to Umbrella. So, to keep the fun alive, we’re gonna take a little trip down memory lane (aka the past 2 years) and look at some of UT’s best moments in the Herman era, as well as just in general within the past few years.

The Piss Chart:

A personal favorite of mine, this gem was discovered within the first few months of Herman taking over the culture of Texas. A god damn piss chart. Fixing the shakey offense? NOPE. Recruiting to help fend off Big 12 powerhouses such as OU or WVU? NOPE. A color coordinated chart like the one episode of sponge bob about tanning?

YOU BET YOUR ASS IMMA HAVE THAT.

Mocking Drew Lock:

I remember watching this happen before I was brought on by Student Union and just thought in my head, “My god, the meme’s and articles about this will be legendary”. Well, it didn’t really blow up. but it still didn’t stop people from calling Herman out for it. First of all, you’re playing Mizzou, so I’m gonna go ahead and need you to chill there chief. Secondly, you have your legs spread looking like a 5-year old playing 2nd base in a Tee-Ball game. And finally, it was a touchdown in the last 2 minutes of the game, the score was already 26-16, so congrats?

Is Texas Back:

2016: A Loss to Kansas? Not a chance in hell

2017: No…ish

2018: 3/1 odds on No

The Worlds Greatest Sledge Hammer Swing:

“I Fought The Wall And The Wall Won”

SHEESH. Herman came in with power from the hips so violent, you have to be 18 to watch. Cocked and loaded, the man in the Safety Helmet and Vest (Note: No one else is wearing anything) unloads on the wooden locker. Welp, Herman met Newtons 3rd law… Every reaction has an opposite and equal reaction. His opposite reaction is the ass whoopin he gets from both the recoil of the hammer as well as getting both tripped up on and straight bullied by the 2 hammers resting on the ground.

Opening Weekend of the 17-18 Season:

It was Maryland vs UT, and UT was heavily favored as Maryland is… well poop. Well long story short, the Longhorns got catheterized at home in front of 100,000 fans and it was ugly on twitter afterwards:

UT Players Worth:

In 2016, it was announced that UT was sitting at around $220 Million for the athletics year. This meant that each individual football player was worth around $670,000.

What. The. Actual. Hell.

Photo from Business Insider

They are roughly $130,000 more than University of Alabama, the CFB Powerhouse who churns out more Championships and NFL busts than Texas has ever done. So, what did Texas do with the new founded “money”…

A fancy new locker room and some new ugly ass black jerseys. Great job Texas, you proved why you can never have nice things and while Matthew McConaughey is the only thing that is Alright, Alright, Alright:

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