Happy Halloween everyone! This year I don’t have any grand plans. Tonight, we’ll be handing out candy and drinking boozy hot cocoa, so compared to a few of my past Halloweens, it’s a more mild manner one.
This part doesn’t fully pertain to the blog (it’ll circle back), it’s more to reminisce. One year, my friends and I went out to UConn and wore our coolest track suits. In between ripping cigs and drinking warm Busch Light, we dropped some solid fugetaboutit’s and what ya hear, what ya say’s. Great night.
The Halloween that followed that, after one of our games we went into Boston for a bar crawl around Fenway and elevated our costumes from the year prior. The Sopranos turned into 80s and 90s wrestlers. That night wasn’t much different from the year before besides the location. We drank beers and shouted our wrestlers slogans. My eat your vitamins count was THROUGH THE ROOF that evening. Great night, again.
In my nostalgia, the common theme was that my Halloweens in college were booze fueled. To celebrate Halloween this year, I wanted to look at some of the most legendary horror villains of all time and determine if I’d like to get drunk with these monsters and lunatics.
Michael Myers
Kicking things off is the iconic Michael Myers from the Halloween films. When going through this list, I could easily say no to every killer and monster on this list because of their actions, but I’m trying to find the benefit of hitting the bar with them. I think there’s some positives when it comes to drinking with Michael Myers. Sure, his stoicism and non-verbal demeanor would freak you out, but because he has the ability to recover from severe injuries, he’d have some sweet party tricks. Have him put his hand against a dart board and my drunk friends and I will throw darts, trying to get a bullseye. If it hits the center of his hand, no problem. Myers won’t flinch. Him being a walking riot shield makes him a resounding yes to go drinking with.
Answer: Yes
Jason Vorhees
Back-to-back horror icons with two very different answers. Personally, I don’t want to get sloshed with Jason Vorhees. He’d be good to have in your corner for a bar fight, but his raggedy look would detour the prospect of interacting with others when you’re at the bar. In addition to that, he moves so slow. Vorhees lumbers around at a slow pace that would make it damn near impossible to walk from bar to bar with. He’ll eventually catch up with us, but I don’t want to be lagging behind the fun in a drunken state waiting for this scroungy monster.
Answer: No
The Xenomorph
I don’t even know what these freaks would drink? I don’t think the local bars we’re going to will have an alien pale ale on tap. That could be an issue right away. Also, the Xenomorph’s are aggressive. If we’re in a crowded bar, they’ll fly off the handle and start spitting acidic saliva all over other bar patrons. That’s another negative for the Xenomorph’s. If this were a blog purely about what horror villains would I want in my corner for a bar brawl, they’d be my number one pick. But I’m not a fighter. I’d rather de-escalate than escalate. It’s a hard no for the Xenomorph’s.
Answer: No
Hannibal Lecter
At first glance, you’d immediately think absolutely not. He’s a sociopath, a killer and a cannibal. That’s bad, we know. But I think that Dr. Lecter would be a solid hang on a night out drinking. He’s smart and would be able to tell some good stories, probably breaking HIPAA as he regales us with tales of his most insane patients. There’s no doubt I’d be covering my drink and making sure I don’t blackout because if he incapacitated me, I’d surely end up as his late night snack.
Answer: Yes
Jack Torrance
We see it all throughout The Shining that Torrance likes to hit the bottle. At times, he seems like a blast. He’ll get overly animated which means he’ll laugh at all of my jokes, no matter how bad or slurred they sound coming out of my mouth. He’s a writer too, so he’ll be able to spin some good stories that will surely entertain everyone. Obviously the elephant in the room is that he’s insane. He wielded an axe at the head of his wife and wanted to kill his kid. Definitely bad, no ones arguing that. I just think as long as you don’t goto the bathroom alone with him and keep the conversation going on a night out, Torrance would be a good hang.
Answer: Yes
Norman Bates
With other horror villains I’ve listed so far, I’ve found a silver lining to make me consider getting blitzed with them, even when it’s been a no. When it comes to Norman Bates, I can’t think of one. Maybe he’d be an okay hang at the pregame, but his not-so-chatty nature would make everyone feel uncomfortable. Then, once he a few more drinks into his system, he’d start talking about how much he hates his mom. And then he’d keep talking about his mom. Eventually, I’d tell him I’m going to the bathroom and try to slip out of the bar into an Uber. Later, I’d reflect on the night and think, “boy that was weird“.
Answer: No
Patrick Bateman
Even though I’m not in college anymore, I try to still drink on a college kids budget, especially when I’m looking to get bombed. Translation, I’m spending the least amount of money on the most amount of booze, taste be damned. If I go drinking with Patrick Bateman, that wouldn’t be an issue. All I have to do is tell him his new business card is cooler than the one that loser Paul Allen has and throw in a couple comments about how homeless people are disgusting. Boom! I will not pay for a drink the rest of the night as Bateman’s AmEx will do all the heavy lifting. Yeah, maybe he’ll axe me to death when the night concludes, but that’d probably be better than the hangover I’ll endure after crushing J&B scotch and cocaine all night.
Answer: Yes
Longlegs
I’m split when it comes to wanting to drink with Longlegs. On one hand, he likes to sing. Due to that, I think we’d end up going to a karaoke bar, pound beers and sing all the hits from Piano Man to American Pie to Ain’t No Mountain High Enough. That sounds like a blast, right? Wrong. In Longlegs, when he sang, it was his way of trying to get into an individuals home or life. So, when the night ends and he wants to come back to my house to keep the party going and crush more Bud Light’s and I say no because I want to get some sleep, he’d fly off the handle and try to kill me. Doesn’t seem like the way I’d want to cap off a good night of singing karaoke.
Answer: No