Patrick Norton

We’re all reeling. Priority #1 is our health, but we can focus on our well-being while sulking about the effects on our daily lives. No sports. No restaurants and bars. Some of us are out of work. Some home from school. In the long run, self-quarantining is what brings our world back. In the short-term, everything stinks. I’ve put together a list of lists that’ll help me through this trying time and I hope it can provide some relief for you, too. It’s the Student Union Sports Coronavirus Survival Guide.

We have an opportunity to catch up on the movies and television shows that life forces us to miss. Tasks around the house, albums to put on the wireless speaker, comics to hear quietly through your headphones, there’s plenty to fill our plate. But with every task, we ask that you keep in mind others around you, wash your hands and wear a smile on your beautiful face!

Fantastic Movies… and where to find them.

One of my favorite comedies is fairly unknown, but still a classic. Samuel L. Jackson and Emilio Estevez parody every buddy-cop film all while making one of the best buddy-cop films of all time in this satirical masterpiece that’ll have you laughing out loud from start to finish.

Loaded Weapon 1 walked so The Other Guys could run. Sam Jackson and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg take on financial crimes, bank heists, unruly golfers, Bed Bath & Beyond and Derek Jeter in this 2010 comedy about New York City Police detectives. Seen it already? Watch it again. It really never gets old.

An oldie, but a goodie. Harrison Ford plays a doctor wrongfully accused of murdering his wife… so normal stuff. Ford’s character Dr. Richard Kimble races to find his wife’s true killer while US Marshal Samuel Gerard (Tommy Lee Jones) tracks the every move of the fugitive, Kimble.

Taika Waititi wrote, directed and starred in the Oscar-winning comedy(?) about a boy, his mother, his imaginary friend Adolf Hitler (Waititi), and a Jewish girl hiding in his house’s walls during World War II in Nazi Germany. It deserved as much credit as it received and more in the recent awards cycle. Witty, heart-wrenching, and for lack of a better term, perfectly cute, Jojo Rabbit was 2019’s best movie. Enjoy it from your couch in 2020!

Every streaming service has its perks. If there’s one that’s going to play a crucial role in our coronavirus survival guide, it’s Disney+. Almost every Marvel Cinematic Universe flick to this point resides on the streaming service, as well as the entire Toy Story franchise, plenty of our favorite princess tales and animated features and a boatload of Star Wars. Disney+’s content is here to keep you busy for hours, days, weeks and months amidst the ongoing crisis.

The Gang Survives the Coronavirus

Movies not your style? Binge a show you’ve never seen, or one you’ve seen each season of three times through. What’s the difference? Whether you’ve seen it or just heard good things, Always Sunny is an excellent place to start. 14 seasons totaling 153 episodes with some comedy gold sprinkled in. There’s no way to explain the glory of the show and do it any justice. Just watch it.

Starring former SNL cast member Tim Robinson, the show’s first and only season (to this point) takes two hours to watch. Eight episodes, each about fifteen minutes, if you need a break from work, your kids’ math homework or just need a good laugh, this places highly on my recommendation list. Not for everybody, but it’s weird, quirky and quotable.

Doc Now! spoofs the major documentaries you’ve seen or overheard discussions about, and while the first two seasons provide excellent comedy, it really hit its stride in the third season. Produced and written by some of your favorite recent SNL minds, it’s perfect if you only have 25 minutes or if you’re settling down for the rest of the night.

When we think back to NBC’s comedy block from the late 2000s to the next decade, our minds immediately go to The Office, Parks and Recreation and maybe even Community, but my favorite of the legendary bunch is 30 Rock. Spoofing life at NBC and SNL, Alec Baldwin and Tina Fey star in one of the best written comedy series of my lifetime.

Kelsey Grammar starred in arguably one of the most famous, most recognizable comedies of all-time in the nineties. A spin-off of his character from Cheers, Frasier Crane is a radio-psychiatrist based in Seattle living with his father and his father’s physical therapist. Shows often have hit-and-miss stretches; Frasier doesn’t. Eleven seasons, half-hour episodes… a timeless classic and staple of any coronavirus survival guide.

Whipped Cream? With Cream.

  • Nate Bargatze (The Stand-Ups on Netflix, The Tennessee Kid on Netflix, and two albums on Spotify)

I think the running theme here is we all could use a laugh to ease our minds in times of crisis. Nate Bargatze’s delivery might sound slow, but if you’re not paying attention, you’ll miss the magic of the joke. Did you know his dad was a magician? And a clown? On the rise, Bargatze’s one of the best in the game right now with plenty of content to get you through another night.

If sadistic humor is more your style, meet the king of dark comedy, Anthony Jeselnik. Slower, but dynamite delivery. Not for the light-hearted and if you’re telling yourself you shouldn’t be laughing, but you can’t stop, you’re watching the right guy. Eric Clapton, dropping babies and dead parents, nothing is off limits in these lengthy specials.

  • Gary Gulman (Three stand-up specials on Amazon Prime, one on HBO, five on Spotify)

Gary Gulman’s comedy is quick, intelligent and a complete shift from the darkness of Jeselnik. Gulman’s best bits focus on trips to Trader Joe’s, documentaries on state’s abbreviations and moms holding the safety handle while somebody else drives. The comedian isn’t totally clean, but it’s enjoyable for everybody.

  • Jim Gaffigan (Five stand-up specials on Netflix, two on Amazon Prime, EIGHT on Spotify!)

If you’re looking for something clean and more family-friendly, Jim Gaffigan is an excellent choice. With a few specials highlighting his love for food, disdain for Hot Pockets, and raising five kids, there’s something for everybody when Gaffigan’s on stage.

I could gush about a thousand stand-up comics. For different recommendations, DM me on Twitter @pdnorton3.

Other ideas for the Coronavirus Survival Guide

Play Video Games

If you own an Xbox One or Playstation 4, wipe down your controllers with a Lysol wipe and jump into the fun. NHL 20 offers terrific online league play in EASHL. Get a couple friends online and feel the rage in defeat and triumph of victory… and then do it all over again. Available exclusively on Playstation, MLB The Show 20 just released earlier in the week. If you’re craving a baseball fix, look no further. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare recently released their battle royale gameplay named “Warzone.” Just like Fortnite, but without the building, jump into a map with 150 players and survive as long as you possibly can. Grand Theft Auto V unleashed F1 vehicles into online play and created special races, too. In need of another gaming recommendation? The ageless wonder Rocket League‘s game mode “rumble” is like classic gameplay, but with power-ups.

Keep your pencils sharp & your brain sharper.

Screens not your thing? Totally understandable. Wipe off the dust and crack open that novel you promised yourself you’d finish on vacation. Consider this a stay-cation, pull up the comfy recliner and doze off to the written word. Doesn’t matter the subject, genre or content, make sure to keep your mind sharp and read a little bit every day or night.

I also enjoy putting the pen to the paper or my fingers to the keyboard. Sometimes it’s just nice to write about whatever’s on my mind. Published or not, it’s a tremendous stress-reliever and great way to remember your thoughts. Find a journal, find a notebook, open a word document; whatever suits you is all you need.

Family Game Night!

Dump a puzzle on your dining room table and dig in! Put together a scenic view of Mount Rushmore piece-by-piece all in one sitting or over the course of your self-quarantine. Social distancing is a major part of any coronavirus survival guide, but family time is necessary to keep us from brink of insanity. Puzzles are great for one person or five. Board games are okay, too, and card games and dice games can occupy a whole night, but remember to keep your hands away from your face and continually wash throughout the fun.

Around the House in 80 Days

You’ve been waiting for the perfect time to finally clean out the garage, paint the living room and rearrange the den. Now’s your chance! Fresh air isn’t our enemy right now, so use a few days of beautiful weather to go through your storage closet garage. Maybe you’ve wanted to see how the room looks with the couch over there. Try it! It’s not like your friends will see it soon to judge you anyways!

No one else was in the room where it happened… because of social distancing.

Music is going to play a crucial role in getting us through this trying time, but in addition to distancing yourself from friends, maybe try distancing yourself from the same music you’ve listened to for the last year. Try listening to a musical! Hamilton, Les Misérables, The Producers and The Book of Mormon are great starts. Definitely put your headphones in for the latter choice. We’re in an uncharted territory of our lives right now. Let your ears wander into the great unknown that Spotify has to offer.

That’s the theme…

This is a situation we’ve never been in. No sports is one thing, but our daily freedoms limited, social lives slashed… it’s new for everybody. All we can do right now is care for what’s in our control. Follow our coronavirus survival guide tips and keep yourself healthy and out of harms way. Care for those that need it: your kids, neighbors, elderly, etc. This isn’t something to take lightly. Let’s have a laugh now and a laugh once we return to our normal, everyday lives, but remember to take care of what we can. Wash your hands, stay home if at all possible. No beach trips (I’m looking at you, spring break fools of Florida). It’s the popular phrase right now, but let’s flatten the curve together…separately.

And if it’s really too difficult to experience a world without sports, stay tuned with our 2020 NFL Draft coverage or watch a highlight video on YouTube. The NFL opened up Game Pass and the NBA unlocked League Pass content, so eat your heart out with classic footage from years past. Oh, and there’s plenty of Jeopardy! on Netflix, too.