After winning her Grammy for Album of the Year, Taylor Swift announced that she’d be releasing a new album this year on April 19th titled The Tortured Poets Department. Brain-dead Swifties, congratulations. Your environmentally inept queen is releasing another album that I’m sure won’t sound identical to Midnights or Evermore or Folklore or Lover or Reputation or 1989. You guys get a win, I guess.
While you guys get your win, it must be acknowledged how foolish the title is. The Tortured Poets Department, really? None of Taylor Swift’s song writing warrants the moniker of poetry. If you’d like to argue that, I’m happy to do so. Tell me how deep the lyrics “So go and tell your friends that I’m obsessive and crazy, that’s fine I’ll tell mine that you’re gay!” are. Or lecture me on the profound nature of “And now that I’m sitting here thinking it through, I’ve never been anywhere cold as you“. Go ahead.
Taylor Swift is far from a poet and I’m loving how bovine the album’s name is. In the process of laughing at the idea of The Tortured Poets Department, I thought about other witless album names. Don’t worry Swifties, your queen isn’t the first artist to have a ridiculous album name. Here’s a few other album names that have left me scratching my head over the years.
Big Willie Style (1997) by Will Smith
What exactly was Will Smith insinuating with the album title Big Willie Style? If Will Smith was truly rocking with a big willie, then I don’t think Jada Pinkett Smith would be sleeping with other men. This is inconclusive evidence towards the infidelity of the Smith’s marriage, but then again, it feels pretty conclusive. So as Maury Povich famously says, “the lie detector determined that was a lie, Will.“
#3 (2012) by The Script
The Script’s first two albums had decent titles. Their debut was self titled, The Script, and their second was Science and Faith. Again, not overly creative and original, but they were fine. Then they opted to take the laziest route possible and title their third album, #3. They even picked the laziest version of the number three. Three or Number Three or The Third would’ve been more sufficient than just #3. Is the album an homage to Dwayne Wade or Allen Iverson? If it is, then I’m way off base, but Danny O’Donoghue doesn’t strike me as a hoops fan.
Touch Me (1973) by Gary Glitter
At the time, Touch Me isn’t a bad album name. No, I’m not referring to Princess Diana dying or the Heavens Gate cult suicide. The man who created the album Touch Me, Gary Glitter, was arrested for having child pornography. So when I hear that Glitter named his second studio album Touch Me, I think that I’d rather not touch him. But then again, I’m probably too old for Glitter.
Untitled (formerly N****r) (2008) by Nas
It’s probably better that Nas didn’t name his 2008 album N****r. It feels like that could have hampered album sales as a whole. When I do think of this album and how it almost was named a slur, I think of the 2023 Jeffrey Wright film American Fiction. In the film, Wright writes a satirical book that’s “black enough” for publishers and to throw in in their face, he names it Fuck. Maybe this was Nas’ version of playing a satirical joke on America? Unfortunately, I don’t think that was the case.
Viva la Vida or Death and All His Friends (2008) by Coldplay
Before I bash the title of Coldplay’s fourth studio album, I must acknowledge that I do love this album. It was a formative one during my adolescence and is still one I listen to often now. But the title stinks. Chris Martin’s indecision hurts it. Why not just name it Viva la Vida. Or name it Death and All His Friends. Both are interesting and sufficient titles. There’s no need to combine the two. Telling your friend that you’re listening to Viva la Vida or Death and All His Friends is a mouthful and you sound like your jowls are filled with marbles when you say it. It’s not easy.
LoVE me NOw (2018) by Tory Lanez
Conceptually, Love Me Now, wouldn’t be a bad album title. But when you stagger the lettering between capitals and lowercase and get LoVE me NOw, it makes no sense. I tried to go full Robert Graysmith and decipher is LVENO or omew meant anything. Spoiler alert, they don’t. Therefore, Tory Lanez has an album title that would make sense if he didn’t sporadically mash his caps lock key when creating it.
All The Best Cowboys Have Chinese Eyes (1982) by Pete Townsend
What, um, what does this mean? I’m confused by the statement that “all the best cowboys have Chinese eyes.” The only thing that confuses me more is why Pete Townsend chose that statement as an album name. It’s pseudo-racist, actually, I think it’s just flat-out racist. There isn’t much more to add than the fact that it’s a racist album name. Bizarre, especially because I do think Townsend is a great musician. You just can’t defend naming an album All The Best Cowboys Have Chinese Eyes.
The Spaghetti Incident (1993) by Guns n’ Roses
What was said Spaghetti Incident? Did Axl Rose accidentally spill a plate of spaghetti on a groupie? Did Slash eat too much spaghetti prior to a rehearsal session and vomit on his guitar? Either way, no event could be monumental enough to name an album The Spaghetti Incident. Couple a bad album name with an even worse album cover of gross looking Chef Boyardee style spaghetti and you have a true disaster on your hands.
Chocolate Factory (2003) by R. Kelly
Similar to Gary Glitters Touch Me, R. Kelly’s record name Chocolate Factory has aged horrifically. With the multitude of sexual assault allegations against him, Chocolate Factory sounds like something he’d tell an underage female that he’s taking them too. Truly gross. Even if R. Kelly wasn’t a heinous criminal, Chocolate Factory is a terrible album name. It doesn’t sound magical like where Willy Wonka would work. It sounds like someone using the bathroom.
The Big Day (2019) by Chance The Rapper
I don’t find The Big Day to be a bad album name, but context matters. Chance had great mixtapes prior to The Big Day like Acid Rap and Coloring Book, but the The Big Day was a horrendous piece of music. With this being Chance’s first studio album, the release of this should’ve been a Big Day. Instead, it was mocked relentlessly by critics, fans and even my friends in the summer of 2019 when we were playing pool basketball. We’d throw on Hot Shower and just absolutely dump on that track. It’s safe to say that releasing The Big Day, wasn’t a Big Day for Chance the Rapper.
