It was reported Wednesday by Larry Mahoney of the Bangor Daily News that five University of Maine basketball players were suspended after a locker room brawl that resulted in a broken jaw for forward Marko Pirovic.

You might be wondering why Maine players would be throwing hands in the locker room a week before the America East conference tournament. Wonder no further, because there is actually a completely legitimate reason for this scuffle: locker room music.

We all knew the kid with the worst taste in music who somehow found himself with the AUX cord in his possession before a big game. Was never a big screamo guy myself, but there was one kid who was a little bit off upstairs insisting on Megadeth or Drowning Pool. Or the kid who swore that Beethoven was the perfect music for pre-game visualization. Whatever terrible tastes there might have been, we all knew THAT kid.

But as it turned out, the circumstances of Maine’s scrap were even more twisted than pre-game Mozart. According to the report, Wes Myers (the team’s leading scorer) confronted Pirovic about turning off his music. When Pirovic refused, Myers sent him to the hospital with a right cross. Something about the no-music guy is even weirder, like the dude at the gym without headphones. Never trust that guy. How somebody, a Division I athlete no less, can’t deal with a little music in the locker room is beyond me. When you realize that Maine is 6-24 and last in the America East this season, the fact that their leading scorer doesn’t like music in the locker room starts to make more sense. Maybe some calming classical could have been good for Myers; God knows he doesn’t need any “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor.”

It would be a disservice to this strange story to leave out the other three suspended Black Bears. Jaquan McKennon, Ilija Stojiljkovic and Dusan Majstorovic reportedly earned their suspensions for lying about the incident to the team trainer, telling him that Pirovic had simply fallen in the shower. A grown man, a 6’7″ Division I basketball player, shows up to the trainer with a broken jaw and several loose teeth, and the best excuse the other dudes on the team have to avoid trouble is claiming that the shower floor gave him a strong uppercut. I remind you again: this team is 6-24. Let me make it clear that I don’t blame these guys for lying. If some pre-practice tunes set Myers off, I wouldn’t even think about throwing him under the bus. Everyone knows that snitches get stitches, or 6-8 weeks with a wire on their jaw.